Fans Effed Off with Friendly Fiasco

Hot on the heels of its attempts to sell season tickets at a knock down price for a stand that doesn’t exist, Stevenage Football Club has today taken further steps to alienate itself from its fanbase by offering a free ticket to a pre-season friendly with every season ticket sale.

“I was thinking of buying a full price season ticket for a stand that I was confident would be available for me to sit in come August” said supporter Harry Foxwell, 54, “but then I saw the club announce Coventry City as a pre-season friendly.  I immediately cancelled my season ticket order on the basis that I might be tempted to go the friendly match instead of doing something more worthwhile with my life, such a rodding my drains.  Or masturbating.”

A club spokesman said “We refute the allegation that we are showing a complete lack of imagination when it comes to our pre-season fixtures.  Fourteen hundred away fans at £15 a pop is our primary consideration and has been since records began.”

However, an investigation by The Daily Stevenage has revealed that a sell-out away crowd is not guaranteed because, in the hour immediately after the announcement of the fixture, bookings at Swiss eauthaniasia clinics rose by 400%, nearly all of which were made from addresses within the Coventry postcode area.

The news of the forthcoming fixture was also met with dismay on Twitter.  Stevenage supporter Jeff Wide (@CorpulentBorofan69) said “I haven’t been this disinterested in watching a game of football since the last time Darren Sarll was manager.  It boils my piss.”  Boro fan Dave Timpani (@BoroCombat18) said “This truly boils my piss.  I’m not having my home town invaded by a bunch of Muslims.  I’m not a racist but Brexit means Bexit.”

A Stevenage FC spokesman was forced to continue defending the club’s decision to host Coventry.  “The sky blues are a massive draw.  I remember when Coventry City were in the top division, winning the FA Cup.  And I’m only 78.”

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The Kids Are Alright

A collective sigh of relief could be heard all over north Hertfordshire today as Stevenage Football Club’s youth academy was declared a success.

Upon selling rising starlet Ben Wilmot to Big Club of the English Premier League for an undisclosed fortune, a club spokesman said “The measure of the academy’s success was never going to be how good a player became or how many times he played for the club. It was always about how much he could be sold for to a team 3 divisions above us.”

Apart from a few industry showcases for scouts and agents, not many people would have seen Wilmot in a Stevenage shirt. But that was never going to stop people saying just how good he was.

Football experts have agreed that, had Wilmot not been sold for a large amount of money, Stevenage would have had to change the academy’s direction and look instead at producing players capable of strengthening its squad.

It is thought that, after deducting advertisement fees, Stevenage will be left with close to £50,000 after Wilmot’s sale. “We hope to spend this on a replacement for Jonathan Smith and to put a glossy picture of Ben up on the legends wall” said a man in an ill-fitting Stevenage tracksuit in The Chequers, Bragbury End.

Upon his departure Wilmot said “I can’t wait to play 5 or 6 times for Big Club over the course of the next three years, before being signed by Chelsea for an even bigger fortune.”

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Stupid Supporters Seething Over Season Ticket Savings

Stevenage supporters have today been left seething following the release of Season Ticket prices which very few seem to have grasped they don’t actually have to pay.

With the North Stand not likely to be ready until Christmas 2020, many of our readers are concerned that the previously advertised £99 North Stand season ticket presents poor value for money whether they choose to stand on the current MDF floor terrace or sit in the Upper Tier digger bucket.

Liam (@spursandboroboyCOYSANDB), from Bedwell Crescent, has sent us a tweet which reads:

“It’s a proper joke mate. I go to 10 games a season so making me buy a season ticket means I actually LOOSE money.”

In the name of impartiality, we have also received a tweet from one of our brighter fans who offers, “Anyone who buys a season ticket for League 2 football is an absolute belter whose opinion should be ignored”.

It’s difficult to argue with that logic.

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Wish for Wilmot Wonga Whets Wallace’s Whistle

A washed-up old soak on the telly once famously said “you win nothing with kids”.  However, despite Stevenage Football Club winning absolutely nothing with kids, it stands on the verge of striking it rich with one of their, errr, kids, writes Daily Stevenage investigative reporter John Pilchard.  But is the imminent sale of Ben Wilmot to Liverham Hotspool for £25m all that it’s cracked up to be?

Our investigation has unearthed an elaborate ruse that involves misinformation, propaganda and, to coin a phrase, fake news.  All with the intention of pushing Wilmot’s market value through the roof.

The first doubts arose when Stevenage’s Head of Coaching – a position we could never have believed to have existed until we heard about it this week – described young Ben as a “League 2 regular”.  Having played in just 23% of League 2 matches this season, it could be argued that certain people on the East Terrace have taken to the field more regularly, trying to kick a ball through an imaginary tyre.*

Nevertheless, Wilmot’s success at being named EFL Apprentice of the Year is surely validation for the club’s youth policy and valuation of the youngster.  But our investigation reveals that the EFL awards are based solely on player ratings in the nominees’ respective local papers.  Over the course of the season, Wilmot has averaged 10.7 marks out of 10.  In fact, his score is only as low as this as a result of him getting just 9.5 out of 10 when he’s been an unused sub.

Far be it from The Daily Stevenage to insinuate that the club has colluded with the local newspaper in this regard, but up until his non-sacking Darren Sarll was in the running to be EFL Manager of the Decade.

Even more worrying for fans of Stevenage, it is understood that Jamie McCombe and Mark Hughes were only bought by the club so that any young centre half subsequently coming into the side from the youth team would look like Franz Beckenbauer in comparison.

A similar thing is believed to have occurred with the signing of Jonathan Smith, with the subsequent introduction of Mark McKee being heralded by club and supporters alike as the coming of the messiah with a price tag of £38m.

Nobody was available for comment at the football club as The Daily Stevenage went to press, as they were too busy wrapping Ben Wilmot up in cotton wool.

*it has been brought to our attention that nobody tries to kick a ball through an imaginary tyre at half time anymore. We hadn’t noticed. We were trying to find the imaginary beer zone.

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Chairman Chuckles at Fans’ Failure to Observe Obvious

A Daily Stevenage Exclusive by Ryan Ingpeace.

The chairman of a struggling League 2 football club has this morning been overheard laughing at his club’s supporters for failing to see through his ridiculously transparent attempts at raising cash before quitting his position and selling his shares to the board member who facilitated the club’s slide from Play Off contenders to the brink of a relegation battle.

It’s alleged that the chairman in question could barely contain his oven-bake-from-frozen pain au chocolat as he spluttered “I’ve just been through my Twitter feed and they’re all still slating that poor fucker I put in charge of the first team!

“It’s the second time I’ve got away with that now! Look – one of them has even called him a throbpiece!”

A (total) member of the Club’s board attempted to hush the unusually outspoken Chairman but he finished his bizarre rant with what some fans are calling a ‘career defining statement’ when he spluttered “Seriously? It doesn’t matter. I’ve posted photos of half the first team wrapped in a For Sale sign and most of them still haven’t realised what I’m doing.

“They’re thick as fucking shit”.

The Daily Stevenage is not at liberty to reveal the identity of the club but I think it can be agreed that the above does not make for pretty reading.

However, heading into a crucial part of the season for clubs at both ends of the table, I’m sure all Stevenage fans will be thankful that they do not have to put up with this sort of thing at their club.

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Property Prices Punished by Proletariat Football Manager

Artist’s impression of Chells Manor after another 12 months of Darren Sarll

World Exclusive by our Senior Property Correspondent, Ed Winchester

Ever since it was revealed that Darren Sarll was brought up on a tough and uncompromising council estate, residents of Stevenage have complained about falling house prices.

“It lowers the tone” said Sebastian Baskerville, a hedge fund manager from Chertsey Rise. “I used to pop to The March Hare gastropub for a craft ale and quinoa salad but not any more. Mr Sarll’s appointment as Stevenage manager has ultimately resulted in the March Hare’s demolition. I understand it’s going to be replaced by a ghastly food bank for intravenous drug users.”

Marcus Bitcoin, a banking analyst from Bedwell Crescent, was attracted to Stevenage by its farmers’ markets, as well as its pleasant boulevards and avenues. “I used to like to stroll around Fairlands Lakes, which reminded me of the scenery around my second home in the Dordogne”, said Bitcoin. “But not since the arrival of Sarll. He has made being working-class the norm and something to be celebrated. The last time I went to Fairlands I trod in dog shit, probably from a Staffordshire Bull Terrier. And some kid called me a wanker.”

Cressida Dimbleby-Day, an interior designer from Canterbury Way, moved to Stevenage from Notting Hill. “I was attracted by the fabulous schools and the vibrancy and quirkiness of the town being run by the socialists,” said Dimbleby-Day. “It reminded me of Islington when Tony Blair lived there. Not any more. Ever since that council estate yobbo was appointed manager of Stevenage, the place is full of oiks drinking pint mugs of coffee. One only has to go into Debenhams to see this.”

Analysis carried out by The Daily Stevenage highlights that the appointment of Sarll as Boro manager also coincided with the closure of 3 unicycle shops and a vegan salad bar.

The last word goes to local estate agent, Toby Fuckface, who said “If Sarll’s council estate image continues to adversely affect property values in the town, we’ll soon see prices plummet to Jackmans Estate levels, where you can pick up a 3-bed terraced ex-council house for as little as £300,000.”

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Nobby No-mates Made to Look Like Total Nob End

Stevenage supporter Jeff Wide was today made to eat humble pie as the Boro thrashed former Championship side Yeovil Town 4-1 at The Lamex Stadium.

Wide, 67, has been a prominent critic of Darren Sarll since as far back as he can remember and even took part in a ‘Sarll Out’ march earlier today alongside absolutely nobody else. But nothing could have prepared him for the home side’s total domination this afternoon.

Having been sacked from his weekly column for a rival local paper for trying to insinuate that Sarll has the charisma of a baked potato, Wide has instead used Borochat – a dating site for the socially desperate – to wage a hate campaign against the manager.

In addition, Jonathan Smith, who Wide has singled out for particular abuse, scored a stunning goal today to rub salt into the sad bastard’s wounds.

It is thought that Darren Sarll’s exuberant celebrations at full time were not due to Stevenage winning the Champions League, but were aimed directly at Wide.

Even Glenn Roeder, who hasn’t been on the field of play since the time he thought he saw the first daffodils of Spring start to show, came over to the East Terrace to hurl abuse at the corpulent supporter. “He’s a total cunt” said Glenn, “and he’s bald.”

As The Daily Stevenage went to press, a club spokesman confirmed that he did not know the ingredients of humble pie. And Jeff Wide was unavailable for comment as he was on the phone to Babestation.

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