The Daily Stevenage’s work experience investigative equalities reporter Richard Keys gets to the root of the issue
It’s a story that has divided the fanbase right down the middle*, the #SexistSongScandal, as we’ve decided to label it to create a meaningless #hashtag (they’re all the rage even on clothing) and an even more meaningless debate that really shouldn’t exist, so we have despatched our best (gender neutral) reporter into the town to see what the Boro fans on the street, make of it.
Using all of our investigative experience we popped out of the office for a fag vape, tracked down a group of average Stevenage lads to JD Wetherspoons just before lunchtime, in 1973.
We knew they were lads because they shouted “LADS-LADS-LADS”quite a lot, made gurning faces and cheered whenever a female walked past. That and the fact most of them had half finished badly drawn generic sleeve tattoos depicting a shit stag-weekend, where they didn’t get any, in Magaluf and wore espadrilles.
Roy C. Brown (not his real name) wiped the runny egg yolk off his patchy moustache before launching into a passionate defence of one of the amendments to the American constitution, we can’t be arsed to check which one because in all honesty it’s not that relevant and The Comet wouldn’t bother so why should we.
“First off, Lisa Rashid has got tits, she’s fit, I like tits so why shouldn’t I ask for a gander? She can always say no, so I’m respecting her right to free speech as well as my own, and she’s probably foreign with a name like that so we’re not racist either, its equality in action”
“And another thing, why can’t we ask Kenners to get his pocket rocket out if we like, that’s us demonstrating more equality that is, puppies for the ladies, sausage for the blokes…. not that we like willies, we’re not gay – make sure you print that – we’re normal geezers with a high sex drive and no outlet for it just having a laugh and not hurting anybody, especially not lefty types like you get on Twitter sticking up for nooftersand snowflakes”
Not afraid to push the envelope our intrepid reporter suggested that they wouldn’t like their mothers or sisters or aunties being subject to public abuse.
Bernie Manning (not his real name either) veritably frothed out the mouth at this suggestion and stood up to his full 5’6” height, almost lifting his knuckles clear of the floor, sucked in his baby pot belly and bellowed; “No-one disrespects my sister! No-one, she sacrificed every under 18 party night at Pulse and Vogue to breast feed me for nearly 6years while my real mum was doing time for twatting Lindsey De Paul at a Eurovision song contest tribute gig in Brighton”
It was suggested that perhaps they could just sing about football, this was met by a chorus of ‘LADS LADS LADS’ before Stevie Bannon (not his real name) shushed his mates, picked a piece of bacon rind out of the sizeable gap between his front teeth, dabbed his cold-sore and responded;
“Look, its just a laugh, they, the stuffed shirts at the FA, and the girls, especially the girls, need a sense of humour, first they stopped us blacking up, then they started wearing rainbow laces and had a whole month to themselves, did they stop to think how emasculating that is for us, where’s our Pride day? As if that wasn’t bad enough they stopped us bringing incendiary devices into football, but this is the last straw, its political correctness gone mad, no-one moaned when we asked Andy Drury and Ronnie Henry if they wanted a go on our sister-wife”
At that point the shift manager, doubtless working his arse off on a zero hours contract, brought the interview to a close by age-checking the group (because he’d caught them pulling wheelies on a scooter upstairs earlier it transpired) and asked them to leave despite Bernie pulling out a fake Hawaiian state driving licence in the name of Christopher Charles Mintz-Plasse with a photo of Lenworth Henry on it.
*When we say divided down the middle, what we mean is about 99% of the social media responses think such language and behaviour rightly belongs in Mansfield, in the seventies,alongside (Neil?) Morrisey, Nigel Fuhrerage and Andrew Gray, but hey, lets stir the pot and sensationalise it, we’re serious journalists but clickbait is clickbait, just look at that targeted advert at the bottom of the page for bored Latvian housewives, it pays our wages and reflects your search history not mine…