Lennie Laughingly Leads us into the Lion’s Den

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Chaos, confusion and even further chaos engulfed Stevenage Football Club yesterday afternoon when, at a hastily convened press conference, the club made the announcement that stand-up comedian and game show host Lennie Bennett had been appointed as Managerial Consultant to Alex Revell.

However, the man brought out to meet the press had none of Bennett’s trademark curly hair, nor did he make any wise cracks to the crowd.  And he could offer no explanation when Brian Breadbasket from The Comet asked him “isn’t it true that you died in 2009?”  Instead, he garbled on about being manager of Charlton Athletic in the 1880s whilst offering Werther’s Originals to the attending journalists.

At this point, chairman Phil Wallace intervened.  “Leon spotted Lennie re-stocking the shelves at the BP garage on the B4146 at Stoke Poges.  He instantly recognised that Lennie’s experience as a panelist on Celebrity Squares made him the perfect candidate for the job.  We also hope that Lennie’s A-list status will bring in some interest and sponsorship from other celebrities, such as Les Dennis and Dustin Gee.”

At this point, Breadbasket asked Wallace “isn’t it true that Dustin Gee died in 1986?”, before he was ushered outside by a big bloke sucking on a Werther’s Original.

It is understood that Mr Bennett’s duties will involve making everyone laugh in the dressing room, watching one (or possibly two) matches of football a week, and distributing hard boiled sweets.

Wallace confirmed that previous managerial consultants, Slade, departed the club last week in order to record a Christmas song.

 

 

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Loonies Laud Loosening of Lockdown Laws

Drama has engulfed Stevenage Football Club as it has emerged that an important member of its backroom staff drove 264 miles to a second home during the pandemic lockdown.  Going by the shady title of Head of Recruitment, Mr Leon Hunter is believed to wield the true power at the football club, directing every decision that Chairman Phil Wallace makes, including the decision not to allow the club to play European teams in pre-season friendlies.

Worryingly, until yesterday nobody knew what Hunter looked like or had even heard him talk.  That changed thanks to a hastily convened press conference in The Lamex Stadium’s rose garden (the woods behind the away stand), where Mr Hunter – dressed in a creased shirt and Next chinos – gave his reasons for relocating during the lockdown restrictions.

“It was for security”, said Hunter.  This statement is understood to relate to a number of former Stevenage managers that believe that Mr Hunter left them in the shit thanks to a plethora of dodgy signings.  “I can’t help it if Chris Stokes was absolute garbage”, said Hunter.  “That’s certainly no reason for Dino to threaten to let down my tyres.  I needed to move out.  Do you know how much Audi A6 tyres are?”.

When questioned as to why Hunter had also chosen to travel 30 miles to a beauty spot during the pandemic, he was quick to say that “it was to check my eyesight.  Nobody with 20/20 vision would have signed Paul Taylor and Noor Husin, so I needed to make sure that my eyes were ok by driving to a well known beauty spot.  I only got out of my car to walk along the river at the beauty spot because I started to feel nauseous about signing Adam El-Abd from Wycombe”.

Plenty of people were quick to support Hunter on Twitter, including a middle-aged man who constantly tweets videos of British fighter aircraft despite never having served in the military; a middle-aged man who likes to remind people he served in the military 30 years ago; and a middle-aged man named Wasp, who tweeted “Hunter acted with integrity – loony left should leave him alone.  However, if this was a Woking official that had done this, I would expect nothing less than a public execution”.

The Daily Stevenage would like to point out that any resemblance in this article to the Head of Recruitment at Stevenage FC is purely coincidental

 

 

 

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Stupid Sums Surely Signal Stevenage Survival

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Exclusive, by The Daily Stevenage’s Chief Medical Adviser, Chris Twatty

Following the Prime Minister’s clear and concise address to the nation on Sunday night, EFL bosses have been working up plans to finish the season using maths instead of games in empty stadia.

Ex-Status Quo guitarist, Rick Parry, said “If Boris can use clear equations, with clear and researchable variables and a non-existent quotient to come up with an answer that he wants, then I don’t see why we can’t do the same thing to establish a satisfactory PPG finish to the season, ensuring that the clubs we want there remain.

To that end, we have come up with the following equation to conclude the season to the satisfaction of everybody.”

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It is thought that the plan will require an 80% vote in favour.

However, one of the chairmen who will be voting against the plan is our very own Phil Wallace, who has developed his own way of using maths and science to ensure that Stevenage are given a more fair chance of survival.

He said, “Using the number of fans in the EFL equation is purely there to benefit the larger clubs with historic EFL pedigree like Bradford, Scunthorpe and Notts County.

“Historically, I have been a big believer in making sure things are fair for everybody even to the detriment of our own status and I believe there is an alternative approach which would be fairer for the league as a whole.

“Therefore we are proposing the below…”

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We at The Daily Stevenage are no maths boffins but we calculate that would see Stevenage finish as Champions with a PPG of 306,666.66

*The DIV has been derived from an inverse of a club’s current league position.

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Artell’s Anodyne Apocryphal Anecdotes Annoy Also-rans

From our Crewe Alexandra correspondent, Andy “I’ll see you outside Rheady” Ruocco:

In a worldwide exclusive, we can exclusively reveal tomorrow’s programme notes of supply teacher “call me Dave” Artell. 

“I would like to wish the 15-20 Stevenage fans making the long trip north today a safe and enjoyable day especially Boro Loyal who we heard just missed out on the TSFC Podcast “Fan of The Season” award.

We are housing the Boro fans in the massive Van Morrison Ice Cream stand which has ordered in extra stock of 99’s in honour of their team.

I hope that after the last match against the Boro back in December that Idris Elba will be starting right back for them. I am hoping to add a few more million to the value of James T Kirk as the guy who played there last time who went by the name of TVC was a very poor understudy.  In fact, what sort of a name is TVC?  It has less vowels than Perry Ng’s name.  Although not as few as that fella Q out of James Bond.

My only worry is Boro have had an extended winter break as they have not had a league game for two weeks. My old mucker Dino told me on his way up to his game last week that he checked their pitch and the standing water on it wouldn’t have affected their game as they don’t play the ball on the ground anyway. He said he was still going to make a complaint though after all that he had done for the club throughout the years and all the decent players he brought in for this season. I still have a chuckle when I remember he signed Paul Taylor on my recommendation.

Enjoy the game.”

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Stevenage Shouldn’t Settle for Stupid Soccer Standard

By Mark Hollis (@hollismark)

Like X Factor, The Voice and the more recent series’ of Silent Witness, #StevenageForLeagueFootball is a cheesefest.

 

And like X Factor, The Voice and the more recent series’ of Silent Witness, it’s got really popular. And I am nothing if not a man who likes to jump on any passing bandwagon so long as it’s not doing any harm.

 

Like much of the Stevenage fanbase, I grew up supporting Arsenal. 

 

I also grew up in a working class house in Pin Green that didn’t have a lot of spare cash to throw about on trips to Highbury and so, my irregular opportunities to watch live football were at Stevenage. My Dad would take me along every now and then when I was a nipper and all I have of that time are hazy memories of the title winning season (that I’vealmost certainly embellished) and the knowledge that I was there for some of it, but I couldn’t really say which bits. 

 

My breakthrough season came the year after. I still remember reading in The Comet about how the Conference Champions had been denied their rightful promotion and feeling like I had to be involved. I told you I love a bandwagon.

 

My Dad had lost much of his interest and my friends weren’t hugely bothered at first so, as a kid with barely a pubic hair to his name, I would pack up my cheese rolls and Wotsits and walk from Pin Green to the ground on my own and sit in the top corner of the unroofed East Terrace.

 

I’d never experienced anything like it.

 

Those were the days of regular 4,000+ crowds and the games against Woking, Macclesfield and Kidderminster would easily top 6,000. The atmosphere was great. Led by the Baldwins (in all their guises!) along with Boycie, Danny-Da-Bass and Nudenut. It wasn’t only loud and passionate it was also hilarious. It was everything I wanted the Barmy Army to be when I ended up a part of that extended group that would lead the chanting all over the country.

 

It wasn’t long before I started to be joined by friends, because those were the days where, having talked someone into coming with you, they would then actually want to come again. I even remember a period of time when my school crush would regularly attend. I never did fing don’t worry about it.

 

The more I went, the more I wanted to go. I’d walk there from Archer Road via Grace Way to pick up my mates and was stopped one day in the street by Keith Berners who handed the three of us Supporter’s Association forms and got us to fil them out almost on the spot.

 

It might not have meant much to him or to anyone who knew better, but to me, at the age of 14 or 15, it was an invitation to join the club and made me want to be involved even more.

 

Finding the Supporter’s Association also meant finding the Supporter’s Association coach and the opening of a completely new world. I don’t actually remember using it much but I do remember a few coach trips away to Woking, broken toilet seats and being chased through the park afterwards by the mouth-breathers of the KRE.

 

The coach trips I do remember though are the ones on the Barmy Army coaches. Basically a metal shell on some bald tyres that can’t surely have ever had an MOT. I wasn’t really a part of the Barmy Army at that point but my Dad knew a man and I felt the absolute nuts to be getting on that bus.

 

Orient away in the FA Cup, Birmingham at home at St Andrews and Swindon. Pick up from the bus stop at The Oval. Blowing up balloons all the way and being shit-scared of Boycie’s brother-in-law who sat on the chair behind me smoking and looking mean. My little innocent world had never seen anything like it.

 

I realise now it was a standard away trip, but it was those moments that had me hooked.

 

In the years that followed, I drifted away a bit due to being of the age of Saturday jobs and the like but I found my way back via the Official website fan’s forum. “Message For BoroGent” has gone down in folklore with those who were part of it but the banter (urgh, sorry) that was dished out in that thread again saw me turn up on my own. This time to the bar to meet them. 

 

BoroGent, Two Hats, Deano (whatever happened to him?), Guzzler,  Dippers, Chairman Clive, Pitbull and the rest of the Row F weapons were all there and I ended up playing pool with them and immediately felt like I was back in the family.

 

From that moment, I would ensure I attended more regularly and, being the busy knob I am, ended up becoming more and more involved. I joined in with Jim Briscoe’s working groups where I could, became an SA Committee member, made TV appearances, wrote newspaper columns and developed the idea of a podcast with Steve Watkins and Deano which we were pretty sure no one would listen to.

 

Watching from the middle of the East Terrace in those early days saw me become closer friends with people who had previously been acquaintances and before I knew it, I was part of a group of 15/20 people that I now count as some of my closest and dearest friends. All because of this club.

 

Standing near the Barmy Army became ‘joining’ the Barmy Army became leading the Barmy Army. There was no left side and right side. There was no division. Just one group of knobheads.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to try and change history and claim it was brilliant every week, there were large portions where it was garbage but the terrace was pretty much always fun. It was always passionate. It always knew there was a goal to achieve.

 

That goal was League football.

 

Yeah, yeah, the FA Trophy was great and I genuinely still miss it, but League football was the goal. Always was. Always should be.

 

Losing in the Trophy final to Yeovil was heart breaking, but it was nothing compared to losing in the Play Off Final to Carlisle. Damn you Mickey Warner. And you too, Darryn Stamp.

 

I’m not going to bad mouth the Conference, we had some monumental days in non-league as Stevenage Borough.

 

Who thought you could ever top the euphoria of the first FA Trophy win? The FA Cup games against Orient, Swindon and Brimingham? The original Newcastle games?

 

Who’d almost given up on the idea of ever getting out of that league at the right end? Or certainly of winning it. I know I had.

 

And then it happened. April 17th 2010. After weeks and weeks of stupidly chanting “Champions Elect, my cock is erect”, it finally happened.

 

I knew it would be a big moment. I didn’t know quite how big. I thought maybe the edge had been taken off because we’d been nailed on to win the league for so much of that season.

 

How silly I was.

 

Other that seeing my son born, that’s the biggest high I’ve experienced. That emotion. That joy. That relief. The tears. The sobbing, sobbing, uncontrollable tears. The embraces with all of the people that I’d come to know and love over the previous 15 or so years.

 

Not being able to sing anymore because my throat was too dry and my mouth was all weird and contorted while it tried to figure out how to smile, sing the Dale Cavese and sob simultaneously.

 

I mean, I even kissed Paulio full on the mouth and just accepted it when he rammed his tongue down my throat despite the fact I know he’s riddled.

 

There’ll never be anything else like it. 

 

Never, ever again. 

 

We could win League 2. We could win League 1. It won’t touch it. 

 

That was it – that was the moment.

 

So, please, when you get a bit of ribbing online for using a cheesy hashtag to try and show what this club means to you, just ignore it. It’s not harming anyone and it might, just might, put a bit of extra fight into someone. 

 

I promise you, the feeling of a random Port Vale fan giving you some stick is nothing compared to what it will feel like to go back to the Conference.

 

You might have only ever experienced us be a football league club. Dropping to non-league might not seem that bad because it’s unknown. It would be a disaster for us. We’ve worked too hard to give it up.

 

Chances are, if we go down, we won’t come back. 

 

Not in a hurry anyway.

 

#StevenageForLeagueFootball

 

 

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#Stevenageforleaguefootball

NEVER FORGET

Photo credit @doodles007

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Lottery Lineup for League Layabouts

Stevenage Football Club has today confirmed the reason it now has a squad consisting of 59 players. “It’s to allow our manager and saviour to pick the team based on the previous Wednesday’s lottery numbers”, said chairman Phil Wallace, whilst placing an advert for Ben Kennedy in the Exchange & Mart.

It’s believed that today’s lineup against Leyton Orient will include Charlie Carter at left back, Elliot List at centre half and Ben Nugget operating as a false 9. Dean Parrett is also scheduled to start before going off injured after 7 minutes.

“Unfortunately” said Wallace “the lottery numbers dictate that Luther James-Wildin will again play at right back. We suspect the use of magnets”.

None of this is new to ardent followers of Stevenage. After all, who can remember the time that Darius Charles’s position was decided upon by Graham Westley after getting Dino Maamria to read the tea leaves in his styrofoam cup?

Mr Westley was unavailable for comment as The Daily Stevenage went to press. We were informed he was trying to contact Derek Acorah from beyond the grave to see whether he should upgrade his Bentley.

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