Tom Pett, in the centre circle at Sincil Bank, waiting for the trainer to come on.
This weekend we welcome back a number of old friends to Broadhall Way in the form of Michael Bostwick, Bruno Andrade and Jamie Chuckle. We might also see Tom Pett. To be honest, we thought Bossie would be playing in the Premier League by now. We also thought that Chuckle would be playing for Prescot Cables in Division One West of the Northern Premier League. Or working behind the counter at that sex shop up the A1.
None of the Boro players can call Lincoln their old stamping ground. Apart from Luke Wilkinson.
If Pett plays, the Tom Pett Drinks Break Sweepstake will also make a welcome return to the East Terrace. Unless, that is, feigning injury as a means of contriving a two minute stoppage so that the manager can impart his tactical genius to the other ten players in the team was something that only we ever did did.
One Lincoln player to look out for will be John Akinde-Penalty, who was bought by the Imps because of his ability, as soon as he gets into the penalty box, of falling to the ground and thrashing about like a pilot whale getting clubbed to death on a Japanese beach.
By the way, it’s not scientific research, is it? You’re just culling whales for the meat. Lincoln wankers.
One possibility is that 57 year old Matt Rhead may lead the line for City, confounding supporters with not only the superfluous consonant in his surname but also the fact that, despite only having two arms, he has at least 5 elbows.
I mean, we’re not alleging that Lincoln indulge in the dark arts, gamesmanship, shithousery or whatever you want to call it. But there’s so much simulation and faking it going on that opposition teams are, in moments of insecurity, having to go to marriage guidance sessions.
Imps’ manager Danny Cowley used to be a PE teacher. His dad, George Cowley in The Professionals, originally worked as a draughtsman before becoming the head of a national security agency. It’s funny where life takes you, isn’t it? For instance, Jamie McCombe once started life as a footballer. And professional wanker Teddy Sheringham once tried his hand at football management.
Lincoln Tyres in Stevenage’s Old Town is not thought to be named after the city, or football team, of Lincoln. ‘Lincoln Tires’ will probably be the headline in the local paper this weekend after the Imps take a one goal lead and proceed to kill the game, thus forcing the local journalist/author/motivational speaker to lapse into a post-pie coma during the second half while he’s doing ‘the greatest job in the world’. Unless he’s covering Arsenal instead.