Your Guide to our Visitors – Lincoln City

Tom Pett, in the centre circle at Sincil Bank, waiting for the trainer to come on.

This weekend we welcome back a number of old friends to Broadhall Way in the form of Michael Bostwick, Bruno Andrade and Jamie Chuckle. We might also see Tom Pett. To be honest, we thought Bossie would be playing in the Premier League by now. We also thought that Chuckle would be playing for Prescot Cables in Division One West of the Northern Premier League. Or working behind the counter at that sex shop up the A1.

None of the Boro players can call Lincoln their old stamping ground. Apart from Luke Wilkinson.

If Pett plays, the Tom Pett Drinks Break Sweepstake will also make a welcome return to the East Terrace. Unless, that is, feigning injury as a means of contriving a two minute stoppage so that the manager can impart his tactical genius to the other ten players in the team was something that only we ever did did.

One Lincoln player to look out for will be John Akinde-Penalty, who was bought by the Imps because of his ability, as soon as he gets into the penalty box, of falling to the ground and thrashing about like a pilot whale getting clubbed to death on a Japanese beach.

By the way, it’s not scientific research, is it? You’re just culling whales for the meat. Lincoln wankers.

One possibility is that 57 year old Matt Rhead may lead the line for City, confounding supporters with not only the superfluous consonant in his surname but also the fact that, despite only having two arms, he has at least 5 elbows.

I mean, we’re not alleging that Lincoln indulge in the dark arts, gamesmanship, shithousery or whatever you want to call it. But there’s so much simulation and faking it going on that opposition teams are, in moments of insecurity, having to go to marriage guidance sessions.

Imps’ manager Danny Cowley used to be a PE teacher. His dad, George Cowley in The Professionals, originally worked as a draughtsman before becoming the head of a national security agency. It’s funny where life takes you, isn’t it? For instance, Jamie McCombe once started life as a footballer. And professional wanker Teddy Sheringham once tried his hand at football management.

Lincoln Tyres in Stevenage’s Old Town is not thought to be named after the city, or football team, of Lincoln. ‘Lincoln Tires’ will probably be the headline in the local paper this weekend after the Imps take a one goal lead and proceed to kill the game, thus forcing the local journalist/author/motivational speaker to lapse into a post-pie coma during the second half while he’s doing ‘the greatest job in the world’. Unless he’s covering Arsenal instead.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your Guide to our Visitors – Milton Keynes Dons

The greatest honour ever won by MK Dons was the FA Cup in 1988. Actually, that was a different club entirely.

There’s so much plastic in the ocean that it’s already been witnessed entering the food chain. Consequently, by the year 2050 boffins estimate that each of us will be composed of 0.2% plastic. MK Dons fans have baffled science as they are already believed to be made up of 100% plastic. In further signs of an evolutionary leap forwards, many of them have six fingers. But that might just be the ones who used to support Northampton.

The scene in the film Withnail & I where the protagonists go into the Penrith Tea Rooms was actually filmed in the Stony Stratford area of Milton Keynes. When they get into a drunken argument with the proprietor, Withnail says “we’ll buy this place and we’ll install a fucking jukebox in here and liven all you stiffs up a bit!” It is understood that Pete Winkelman used similar phraseology when he bought Wimbledon FC. However, instead of installing a jukebox, he gave the club the shittiest name in the history of football. And he bought a DAB radio for the boardroom so he could listen to Smooth FM. Probably.

MK Dons manager Paul Tisdale is best friends with Walking Dead actor Andrew Lincoln. We’re absolutely astonished by this news. We had no idea that Tisdale had gone to MK. Anyway, if you want to make a tired analogy between flesh eating zombies and MK Dons fans, go ahead. But we’re far too good for that sort of nonsense.

Do you remember that game where we lost 3-2 to the Dons after being two up at half time? We bumped into Arsenal legend Brian Talbot in the car park, who told us that he was scouting Dele Alli for Ipswich Town. As if that was going to happen. Silly sod should have made better use of his time by spending 90 minutes hurling abuse at 54 year old ginger Dean Lewington. That’s what we did.

Chuks Aneke is currently knocking the goals in for our visitors. Utterly baffling, isn’t it?

When not attending MK Dons matches, Pete Winkelman is often mistaken for a lady scarecrow.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your Guide to our Visitors – Oldham Athletic

Oldham play at Boundary Park, the third highest football ground in the league. Port Vale play at the second highest ground, but we forgot to tell you that last week, so we’re retrospectively telling you just in case we have the misfortune of playing them again at some point this season and it might be of interest.

Boundary Park is also reputed to be the coldest football ground in the league. So much so that former manager Joe Royle called it Ice Station Zebra. Which is weird because Ice Station Zebra was a nuclear submarine that spent the vast majority of its time underwater, whereas Boundary Park is 509 feet above sea level in the middle of the Pennines.

Latics’ manager Frankie Bunn is the only manager in the Football League to be named after something you’d buy in Greggs. Other managers named after foodstuffs include Micky Mellon and Kenny Jackett. Micky Mellon is also named after a colloquial name for a bosom, whereas Accrington manager John Coleman is, literally, a tit.

The design of the conning tower (the superstructure of a submarine, from which it can be commanded when on the surface and which contains the periscope) of the nuclear submarine used in Ice Station Zebra was based on Frankie Bunn’s chin, which has also been used as the landing site for numerous Space Shuttle missions.

The greatest thing to ever come out of Oldham are the Inspiral Carpets, for whom we have so much love. In fact, Joe Royle is quoted on their cassette-only release Dung 4 as saying “I enjoyed the strong organ influence and slight buzzcock tendencies”. Don’t believe us? Well here’s proof (with further proof that fat paedophiles weren’t into the Inspirals).

When the Inspirals headlined Reading in 1990 they fired millions of tiny pieces of plastic into the air as their grand finale. It was a right bugger as you’d find little bits of plastic in your bodily orifices for days after. That plastic has since found its way into the ocean and killed numerous dolphins and whales. It’s also found its way into the food chain, accumulating in human bodies. We understand that it’s all congregated in Frankie Bunn’s chin.

Another time we saw the Inspirals was in Cardiff. We stayed at our mate Roy Slater’s place in Treforest, just around the corner from where Tom Jones was born. Big up Roy, if you’re listening. We did a review of that gig and John Peel read it out on his BBC Radio Cambridgeshire show. We miss Peelie. We’re not sure why any of this is relevant but we have a word count to reach and what better way to fill it than going on a self-congratulatory ego trip down mammary lane?

There’s an owl on Oldham’s badge. We don’t know how it got there.

Update: The owl on the Oldham badge is because old people in that neck of the wood pronounce Oldham as Owldom. Thanks to HandyAndy for providing the only bit of information worth knowing about in this article.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your Guide to our Visitors – Port Vale

Robbie Williams, pictured in 1978, trying to convince his co-star, Mindy, to join him for tea in Phil Taylor’s caravan

So, tonight’s a double whammy, eh? In the space of 4 days we’re playing the two teams that came from two goals down to grind out 2-2 draws with Darren Sarll’s highly-rated side during those fateful 8 days back in March. The result at Vale Park was the death knell for our highly-rated manager. This proves beyond any doubt that the sacking of highly-rated Sarll was nothing to do with us and our highly-rated hate campaign, and everything to do with the Valiants. The heartless highly-rated bastards.

Speaking of Vale Park, when it was built it was originally intended to create a stadium with a capacity of 80,000. Instead of wasting time foretelling the rise of Adolf Hitler and forecasting an impending nuclear Armageddon in the Middle East, perhaps Nostradamus should have told the directors of Port Vale that their average crowd in 2018 would be just below the 5,000 mark.

The football club doesn’t actually play in the small town of Port Vale, but moved to Stoke-on-Trent in the 1920s due to subsistence caused by fracking and coastal erosion.

Vale’s most famous supporter is Robin Williams, who was most famous for playing the space alien Mork in the television sitcom Mork and Mindy. Inspiration for the extraterrestrial character came from Williams spending extended periods of time with the inhabitants of Stoke, although he had to tone down his performance to achieve an air of credibility in the part he was playing.

Other famous fans include darts champion and caravan ambassador Phil Taylor. We once saw him play at the Ally Pally. Which is funny, cos Alexandra Palace gets its name from the same Princess Alexandra that gave their arch rivals Crewe Alexandra their name. Must be something in the water.

Other than that, there’s not a lot to say. We were hoping this one would be postponed so we could stay at home watching Bake Off.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your Guide to our Visitors – Crewe Alexandra

For reasons verging on the pretentious, Crewe Alexandra are named after Princess Alexandra of Denmark. Princess Alexandra’s father in law was Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha (stick with it, it gets better – we promise).

Prince Albert lends his name to a male genital piercing. A visit to Gresty Road has been described as being similar to the pain, plus mild sexual stimulation, of having a cock ring inserted into your urethra and out through a piercing in your frenulum.

Frenulum is another word for your banjo.

Other football clubs named after royalty include Queens Park Rangers, who are named in honour of Freddie Mercury who once ran the line at Loftus Road.

We have a lot to thank Crewe Alexandra for. If it wasn’t for them taking 4 points off us last season with possibly the shittest team ever to avoid relegation to the Conference, we’d still be watching Dale Gorman and Jonathan Smith chasing shadows in our midfield. We’d also have to endure post match inquests from a manager who made as much sense as an episode of Sherlock Holmes after you’ve drunk a bottle of Bacardi. And dropped acid.

In honour of this, we’ll be buying each Crewe supporter a beer on Saturday. We expect change from a tenner.

Does anyone remember Threads, a dramatisation of a nuclear attack on the UK by the USSR, which was aired on the BBC in the 80s? It was proper scary. Have a look – it’s on YouTube. The drama centred on a single megaton bomb being dropped on Crewe, completely destroying it. A visit to modern day Crewe will show that the mass rebuilding programme has yet to start.

Crewe were the proud winners of the Welsh Cup in both 1936 and 1937. They were banned from playing in subsequent Welsh Cups when the town of Crewe moved to England in the 1970s. And, before anyone asks, we haven’t made any of this up.

The only notable person to ever come from Crewe is Adam Rickitt, who once played one of Gail ‘Fishface’ Platt’s kids in Coronation Street. Radiation from the nuclear warhead that hit Crewe in the 80s made his muscles mutate to a size completely at odds with that of his head and penis.

The last time we went to Crewe we went in a pub that had the Horror Channel on its television showing some really shit programme about people in loincloths fighting dinosaurs. At first we thought it was a feed from the pub’s CCTV looking down the main road.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your Guide to our Visitors – Colchester United

What have the Romans ever done for us? Well, by virtue of founding the town of Colchester and creating a centre of population capable of sustaining a football league team, they gave us Colchester United. So, without the Romans, our opponents this weekend would be a far less glamorous team with a far more mundane group of supporters. We can’t think of an example, but send us a postcard to the usual address if you can.

The home of Colchester United is built on the site of Cuckoo Farm. The cuckoo is a parasitic bird that takes over the nest of other birds. A bit like what AFC Wimbledon have done to Kingstonian.

Colchester’s nickname is the U’s. Not very imaginative, is it? Clubs whose nicknames are just a shortened version of the second part of their name are tinpot and should be relegated to the Conference with immediate effect.

Colchester’s football pedigree is apparent in its famous inhabitants, which include author Daniel Defoe (father of prolific striker Jermaine) and TV annoyance Dermot O’Leary (brother of Arsenal legend David).

The FA Cup isn’t the FA Cup without the BBC showing Ronnie Radford scoring a 30 yard screamer past Newcastle at Edgar Street or George Best putting 12 past Northampton Town. When it isn’t showing these clips ad nauseum, it likes to go for a senile stagger down memory lane by showing us the time Colchester beat Leeds Utd in black and white. Which is fine, but have the U’s ever won the Conference? Actually, yes they have, in 1992.

Legend has it that Graham Coxon and Damon Albarn come from Colchester and its environs. Famously they went on to form the pop band Blur with a ginger drummer and a cheese wanker. Having ripped off every band from The Stone Roses to The Kinks, via Chas and Dave, Spiritualised, Wire and Pavement, Blur went full circle on their final album Blur Are A Bunch Of Wanky Middle Class Bell Ends by ripping off themselves and completely disappearing up their own arsehole.

Stevenage’s record away win in the Football League was 6-1 away to Colchester on Boxing Day a few years back. They don’t constantly show that on the BBC do they? No, they’d much rather show Laura Kuensberg interviewing some prick in a suit. Or Homes Under the Hammer. And that is what the licence fee gets us these days.

Damon Albarn doesn’t support Colchester. He’s pretended to support Chelsea ever since they started winning things.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your Guide to Our Visitors – Grimsby Town

Grimsby is the only town in England who’s first syllable is also an adjective for the town itself. This was not by accident as The Lincolnshire Gazette ran a competition to name the town back in 1878, offering each resident a vote. Grimsby took 53% of the popular vote, with Shitville polling 27%. The remaining 20% of the town were at sea bothering fish.

Apart from Wimbledon, who play at both Milton Keynes and Kingston upon Thames, Grimsby is the only club that plays outside of the town it’s named after. Their home in Cleethorpes is even closer to the sea than Grimsby and Town fans are often found down on the beach looking for mermaids and pickled whelks at half time.

Town manager Michael Jolley shares an interesting fact with former Chelsea coach and Portsmouth manager Graham Rix. That’s right, they were both born in South Yorkshire.

Due to stewards at the Lamex carrying out their duties last season, Grimsby fans are threatening to boycott Saturday’s match. It’s safe to say, therefore, that any away fans that do attend the fixture are deviants that like getting touched up by people in fluorescent jackets.

Residents of Grimsby were understandably upset at the film Grimsby starring Sacha Baron Cohen as they felt it inaccurately portrayed the town as being upmarket.

The national dish of the wider Grimsby area is fish fingers. The national drink is Tennants Super with a fish goujon garnish.

Although Town are nicknamed The Mariners, this has nothing to do with the sea. Instead, the name comes from their fans’ admiration for former Ipswich Town player Paul Mariner, who once beat Alan Brazil in a scampi eating contest.

Even though Skegness Close in Stevenage is named after a Lincolnshire seaside town, initial plans to name it Grimsby Close were abandoned due to the first residents moving in arguing that they didn’t want to live in a street “that fucking smells of fish”.

The only notable person to come from Grimsby was Captain Birdseye. That wasn’t even his real name as he never got above the rank of Petty Officer. Tom Petty was once a member of the Traveling Wilburys along with Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Roy Orbison and Graham Westley.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment