Your League 2 Guide part 2 – from Grimsby to Wycombe.

Welcome back to Part 2 of our guide to your League 2 season. We know that nobody read Part 1, and that it was neither interesting, amusing or informative, but we're going to persevere regardless. If you've forgotten the format, our music critic has gone to the pub, drunk his body weight in Bacardi, come back and evaluated each team in the division and considered which act in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame they most resemble. Yeah, it's a shit concept. We apologise.

So, here we go, from Grimsby to Wycombe.

Grimsby Town – it's all a bit meh with the fishy folk. We have no strong opinion either way. They're the football equivalent of wearing a beige suit on an overcast day whilst wistfully reminiscing about the good old days of cholera. Which I suppose must make them Fairport Convention (kids, ask your dad).

Lincoln City – our abiding memory of the Red Imps is getting gubbed 4-0 up there in the FA Cup. Other than that, we have nothing. They're Fairport Convention too, but they don't smell of fish. Which must make them Mumford and Sons, who smell of posh school and money.

Luton Town – picture the scene: it's a couple of years since you've beaten Arsenal in the League Cup final. Your album, Pills 'n' Thrills and Bellyaches, has just been voted record of the year in the NME. So you decide to go and record your follow up in Barbados with Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth out of Talking Heads. You become hopelessly addicted to crack cocaine. Jump forward 25 years and you've been docked 30 points, you're skint and you're desperately trying to climb out of the GM Vauxhall Conference. You finally make it, but even a new set of teeth can't hide the fact that Bummed was the best album you will ever make, and that was 29 years ago, and you're now obliged to play at shit holes like Accrington Stanley and the Hatfield Forum every year. Welcome to your rightful League 2 home, Shaun Willy Ryder.

Mansfield Town – Have you noticed how Axl Rose looks more and more like Steve Evans?

Morecambe Town – we quite like Morecambe. I suppose they're like a pre-fameR.E.M. until you watch a VH1 documentary and realise that Michael Stipe has his head so firmly lodged up his arse he should be managing Mansfield.

Newport County – much like their fellow townspeople the Goldie Lookin' Chain, they make us laugh do Newport. And we've been there. And their mothers all do have penises.

Notts County – you would think that being the oldest act out there would gain you respect and a legion of adoring fans. On the other hand, you might be a bunch of grizzled old fucks, with an audience of pompous wankers. Yep, you're Genesis.

Port Vale – are you as bored as us yet? Yeah, we know, we'll try to rattle through this lot as quickly as possible. Port Vale are Razorlight cos they make our eyes and ears bleed. Ok? Good.

Swindon Town – when they were going through their Di Canio flirtation you could have said that Swindon were on a par with Cheryl Cole on the lash in a nightclub cloakroom. But they're actually ok now. We wouldn't choose to buy any of their records or cross the street to see them play. But hey, they're fine by us. For the purposes of this exercise they can be Barry Manilow.

Wycombe Wanderers – cute and cuddly, family-friendly, fun and jolly. Until you peel away the veneer and realise it's those Scouting For Girls wankers. Die. Fucking die.

Yeovil Town – fuck sake, who snuck The Wurzels on to this list?

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Your Guide to League 2 (A to Forest Green)

Have you ever asked yourself, if Port Vale were a band who would they be? No, us neither. Until today that is. With just five days to go until the new League 2 season, here's part 1 of our ultimate guide to the opponents we'll be facing this year. Part 2 will be brought to you some time in November, with part 3 next summer.

Accrington Stanley – plucky northerners, playing to a small bunch of flag waving bed-wetting fanatics every week. The sort of act that's the perennial dog turd on Soccer AM with their winkle pickers and Indie Landfill aesthetic. The sort of act you'd like to see fuck right off and die as, if they did, the sun would shine for ever. They'd therefore be The Courteeners, but The Courteeners are inexplicably popular playing to more than 1500 people at a time. So it'll have to be the Pigeon Detectives instead. Which is about as shit a name as Accrington Stanley is.

Barnet – beyond parody. You remember when Spinal Tap's drummers kept dying in bizarre circumstances? That's Malcolm Allen every time he leaves the club.

Cambridge United – there's something about Cambridge. Something that's really fucking annoying and makes you think they could all do with a bath. It's like listening to Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis 24 hours a day. Just fuck off Cambridge, it's not big and it's not clever. And buy some soap while you're at it.

Carlisle United – we actually don't mind Carlisle. Mainly because they're not Barrow. We liken them to listening to a medley of Abba songs on the radio. Pleasant enough, in other words.

Cheltenham Town – a bit off the radar this bunch. We're not sure if we like them or not. It's a bit like knowing the name but not knowing the song. We literally have no recollection of hearing a Justin Bieber track, but we obviously know who he is. Is Justin Bieber Cheltenham? No, he's got a future. But you see where we're coming from. And yes, this is the most interesting thing anyone has ever committed to paper about Cheltenham. Or Bieber. Anyway, we're tired. We can't wait to get to Wycombe.

Chesterfield Town – the most interesting fact about Chesterfield is that it's the home town of Jo Guest. Ms Guest was once in the video for Blur's Country House, which is the moment that the first stake got driven into the fetid heart of Britpop. We don't like Blur.

Colchester United – we've just realised that Cheltenham are managed by Gary Johnson. Is it too late to say that they're Meat Loaf?

Coventry City – big back in the 80s but a series of internal niggles and high-profile court cases has them now doing the nostalgia tour, playing their hits Gold and True to a half-empty stadium alongside Toyah and Heaven 17. Except the talent of the Kemp brothers has deserted you and you realise you're now Tony Hadley.

Crawley Town – don't you just hate these New Town clubs with their lack of history and their non-league pedigree? Crawley would be Woking if they had half the personality. As it is, they're Keane, probably the blandest band to ever call themselves a band.

Crewe Alexandra Gary Glitter.

Exeter City – know they're way around the HMRC corridors better than Gary Barlow. And we're not wholly taken in by them either, despite their regular appearances on the X Factor.

Forest Green – some of our best friends are vegetarian. But they don't bleat on about it or wear ethically sourced underpants made from bleach free cotton. Following Forest Green must be like going on tour with the fucking Levellers. Shut your mouths, have a wash, and let people enjoy their fucking food you bunch of hippies.

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Shoulder to Shoulder Shenanigans Shock Shupporters

Today, The Daily Stevenage can exclusively reveal the latest rewards available to investors in the new North Stand development. Without wasting your time or, indeed, ours with boring preamble, these rewards are as follows:

  • Everyone investing a minimum of £3000 will receive a framed photo of the chairman’s car. 
  • Ever wanted to call a total stranger ‘mate’ or chastise someone for vaping? Then £5000 will allow you to become a steward for the day. 
  • £9000 will provide complimentary entry to all future Eastside Jimmy concerts. 
  • If you invest a minimum of £12500 you will get the opportunity to take part in the half time kicking a ball through a tyre event (or its updated equivalent) – this is restricted to 15 home games a year. It is understood that Keef, BaldockBoro and the manager of the Stevenage Boro Bluesox Under 16s (you know, the bloke who can’t watch 45 minutes of football without going for a piss) invested at this level 3 years ago. 
  • £15000 will enable you to have dinner at a venue of your choice (Subway, KFC or The Bingol) with the first team manager (depending on when the investment is made, this is likely to be either Darren Sarll or Graham Westley). 
  • £25000 will allow you to boast to all of your friends that you had £25000 sitting in the bank in the first place. 
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Match report – Stevenage 2 Norwich City 2

By our crime correspondent: Juliet Bravo. 

The action started in earnest with a dinner party. Whilst his wife made a Grand Marnier soufflé, Edmunds disappeared to the cellar to get a cheeky bottle of the 1945 Chateau Dusquesne. 

The action subsequently shifted to an armed blag on a bookmakers before, somewhat confusingly, returning to the dinner party where the bottle of white was produced to admiring guests. 

The next thing you know, Mrs Edmunds is giving Jack Regan the name of the armed blagger in exchange for a bit of the other. Seems the opposite sex find Jack somewhat irresistible in the sack. The name she gives is none other than her husband, who’s done a bit of porridge in his time. The reason your correspondent was confused was because Edmunds had a wig and false moustache on when taking off with the bookie’s takings. 

The Flying Squad go on the attack and storm Edmunds’s drum. The only problem is, the fella has an alibi for when the robbery took place (the dinner party, if you’ve forgotten). But with a three man offensive line in Regan, Carter and Haskins, the cozzers are soon putting Edmunds on the back foot. The only problem; how to prove he did the crime in the time it took his missus to make a posh omelette. 

To cut a long story short, Edmunds went on a motorbike. But they couldn’t pin it on him cos the old bird who took a whack during the blag, spilling some claret, decided to croak it. She was the only eye witness you see, so they had to let Edmunds go. 

The match ended with Regan giving Mrs E the hairdryer treatment for using the old bill to try to get her old man put away. Just cos she was bored with him. 

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Fans Incensed As Fixtures Are Ruined By Incessant Inclusion of Accrington

 Library picture: John Coleman (not in a library), yesterday

Fans of League Two football clubs have today been left exasperated by the EFL’s seemingly endless obsession with including Accrington Stanley in the League Two fixture lists. 

Despite the fact that everyone who has been involved in Lower and Non-League football for more than ten years thinks they’re abhorrent, John Coleman’s side look set to embark upon another season of bucket collecting and claiming they’re being victimised by the authorities.

Rumour has it that Coleman has set his squad a target of being in and around the relegation zone for long enough to get everyone excited, only to turn a corner and end up finishing slightly above mid-table.

Matt Leatham, 35, from Yeovil said “I just don’t understand it, really. Everybody in football hates them, their stupid flags and Ultras and yet every year they’re in these fixtures – every fucking year.”

An EFL spokesman offered this response in the face of fierce criticism: “We understand that the few hundred League Two fans are upset at the prospect of another trip there, but there really is nothing we can do. The bastards just won’t go bust again.”

The Daily Stevenage has attempted to contact Accrington Stanley for a response but the phone line has been disconnected.

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Club Counts Chaotic Cost of Kit Conversion Chaos

WORLD EXCLUSIVE by our Kit Reporter, Calvin Klein-Pants

Stevenage fans have today, at last, been granted a view at the 2017/18 kits and have come to the conclusion that, despite the attempted, club-driven hype, they’re actually a bit shit.

The general feeling of BoroChat users that the kits are… underwhelming, has been echoed by our extensive research, with 79% of 11 voters suggesting that they’d rather wear the shirt that we had when Mickey Warner played for us. Which says a lot, don’t you think?

We’ve contacted the club for comment about the fan reaction but no response has been forthcoming.

However, it was reported last night that Stevenage Chairman, Phil Wallace, is rumoured to have allegedly been overheard at a recent board meeting apparently saying “So what if the fans don’t like them? Those idiots didn’t want Westley back here and look what happened there. I was right.

“And anyway, what are they worried about? They all look shit on anybody with more than 6% body fat, grown ups shouldn’t wear football shirts anyway and, most importantly, those mugs will buy them whatever they look like.

”If they think this is bad, wait until I change the club badge next season”.

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We’ve Never Had it so Good


1. A clarification 

Back in darkest August , we happened to get royally bummed by a Peter Crouch inspired Stoke City.  We were slightly peeved by this but, as they were Prem All Stars and we were 4th Div sticklebacks, we took the defeat on the chin and just felt happy we’d seen the Welsh Pirlo doing his thing at The Lamex.  Anyhoo, one comedic moment stood out in the form of Glenn Roeder.  Taking up his customary stance in the dug out in the 64th minute, he had the unmistakable physical appearance of Father Ted in the episode when he was remotely controlling Father Jack Maguire around the pitch in the over 75s football match, concealing said remote control with the liberal use of prosthetic arms.  It made us, and at least one other person, chuckle so much that The Daily Stevenage posted a pic of Ted and Dougal on twitter, but we said it was Roeder and Sarlly.  It was an in-joke that made us laugh and nobody else, but it drew the attention of one half of the BBC3CR commentary team.  A man we love and admire.  A man we’d jump over Jack King to share a bed with.  But he wasn’t happy with this perceived attack on our management team.  Quite rightly.  So we would like to clarify that it was nothing more than a hilarious gag that only we found funny and we’re sorry that we sent you emojis of a peach and an aubergine in response to your criticism.

2. An admission

Having said all that, there were times during the tail end of last season and the first few months of this season when we were questioning whether Sarlly was the right man to be steering HMS Stevenage through tricky inland waters.  Two performances at the start of his tenure (specifically Cambridge and Exeter at home last saeson) had us foaming at the loins for his attractive passing football.  We even lost the second of those games in a customary smash and grab by our six-fingered country cousins.  But things then went a little stale, I suppose.  Now our questioning was never more than that, and we tried to remain as objective as possible.  We leave it to Kent-based investment bankers to organise hate campaigns and lynchings.  But our inability to jump as high as the opposition at countless set pieces was starting to get a little tiring.  After all, we’re all getting old and when your only excitement in life comes from tuning in to the latest episode of The Shuttleworths on Radio 4, you know that life needs to be grabbed by both sticky hands.

3.  A revelation

So what went right?

When Malcolm and Angus Young formed AC/DC, they were no doubt on to something.  They had the raw ingredients.  They had potential.  They had ability.  We’re actually guessing all of this; we weren’t actually about in Sydney in 1973.  For all we know they might also have been spanked by Donny Rovers at home.  But they needed to recruit Bon Scott before they started to become a fully formed package.  It still took them a further 5 years before they released their magnum opus, Highway To Hell.  Darren Sarll has taken roughly 12 months to achieve similar things.

So who is the Bon Scott of Stevenage FC?  That is not an easy question to answer as Bon comes in many guises.  Firstly, there’s our style of play.  We’ve been screaming out for years for us to close teams down and to win the ball back.  It’s taken perhaps 5 years to see it happen with regularity, but it’s now happening.  Regularly.  Once we’ve won the ball back we’re keeping hold of it.  We’re playing it around in neat little triangles; like the sort you used to see in Mayfair before fashions changed.  We’re not lumping it forward at all costs.  Unless lumping it forward is the right thing to do.  Cos we’re playing with intelligence.  Attractive and intelligent?  We’re making ourselves blush.  Our high pressure game also results in mistakes by the opposition.  Goals since Xmas against Newport (Godden), Grimsby (McAnuff) and Wycombe (Pett) are the evidence of the gains to be gotten from exploiting these errors.  There must be others but we’re too lazy to research it.

But what of the personnel?  At the forefront of this new style of play is undoubtedly our midfield.  Charlie Lee – a player we at The Daily Stevenage have more than once shrugged our shoulders at in a Gallic way – is absolutely phenomenal in the holding role, protecting the back four, breaking up play and distributing passes with abandon.  Three months ago we were publicly saying that we couldn’t care less if Tom Pett never played for us again.  We were bloody stupid.  Steven Schumacher?  Jobi McAnuff?  Just picking up their last pay checks before opening up a used car lot off the A505.  Except, they’ve started running around like teenagers.  And McAnuff is literally everywhere.  Back in the old days, Wezza would get our wingers changing wings every 10 minutes – McAnuff doesn’t care for all that contrived nonsense.  As a result, our midfield is fluid.  It’s more organic than one of Prince Charles’s overpriced biscuits.  And feeding off this drive and creativity: Matthew Godden and Benjamin Kennedy.  Let’s enjoy them while we can, cos they’re both going to be playing at a much higher level soon.  And as for the defence, well it can defend again.  No doubt because of the added protection of what goes on in front of it and, as they say, the best form of defence is attack, but because it has the confidence to be able to defend; to leap as high as the next man.  And because of Jack King.  Surely his name is the wrong way around?  We’re as heterosexual as the next man, but we’d happily slug it out with Deano for his affections.  And I’m not even going to mention Chris Day in all of this because what’s to say that’s not already been said?

So yeah, things are pretty bloody positive at the moment.  Let’s just hope they don’t go the same way as Bon Scott.

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