In a plot almost as far-fetched as a film that this journalist is struggling to think of the name of, a group of Stevenage fans has accused Teddy Sheringham of abandoning Stevenage Football Club in its hour of need. “I can’t help but feel that Teddy hasn’t really been here since the first day of the season” said Danny Colon, a 22 year old father of six from Stevenage. Danny’s suspicions were first aroused when Teddy walked off the pitch at Newport County. “This wasn’t the Teddy from my copy of FIFA15. This was some sort of strange automaton. Or even a robot”, he said, in between puffs of herbal tobacco.
Danny’s friend, Keith Garment, added “When we started singing Teddy’s name at the last home game he looked over to us and waved. It wasn’t just me and Danny that noticed what looked to be levers and wires raising Teddy’s hand in our general direction. It was our mate Tony as well”.
Tony, whose last name was unavailable at the time of going to press, chipped in with his own verdict. “They’ve got some dummy from Top Man and chucked a Ciro Citterio suit on it. They must think we’re effing daft over on the East Terrace. If you listen to his interviews, they’ve just wired the dummy up to Siri. But made the voice more boring.”
Danny continued by saying that, in the first few weeks of the season he would wait outside the main stand in the hope of glimpsing supermodels arriving. “I soon gave up on that” he said. “Even Katie Price has stayed away. So has her sister, Jordan. I was going to ask for a threeway with them as well.”
Teddy Sheringham has been quick to dispel these rumours. Speaking to The Daily Stevenage from a poker tournament on the Cote D’Azur last Saturday afternoon, he said that “I have attended almost all club matches and at least 50% of training sessions. I am committed to the betterment of this football club. My resemblance to a shop dummy is merely coincidental”.