Amidst dramatic scenes in Geneva earlier today, the United Nations threw out an application by Stevenage Football Club to expunge all record of Graham Westley from the football history books. Speaking before a hastily arranged press conference, Secretary General of the UN, Ban Ki-moon, said “This application by Stevenage Football Club is highly questionable and spurious at best. In his very short time at Peterborough United, Graham Westley has demonstrated a desire to reintegrate with the wider footballing community, turning his back on the historical atrocities carried out in his name. Graham remains a fully paid up member of the League Managers Association and, so long as he makes no move towards full rearmament, we expect him to be a valued football manager long into the future.”
The Daily Stevenage understands that, under pressure from a number of supporters organisations across the country, the UN has also confirmed that a refusal to acknowledge the existence of Westley will now be classed as a criminal offence. Ki-moon said “Westley-denial is a very serious matter and we will go to the ends of the earth, including Accrington, to punish those responsible. The future of football can only move forward if it learns from its past mistakes and the crimes that were carried out under Mr Westley’s direction.”
Metrosexual
It is understood that Stevenage’s application was made with reference to three key tenets, these being:
- The playing of Ronnie Henry at centre back at Newport County in December 2014, when Bira Dembele was fully fit and sitting on the bench.
- The use of Darius Charles in at least seven positions during a league game when Stevenage were at home to Preston North End in the 2013/14 season.
- The continual abuse of salmon pink and military khaki coloured clothing on the touch line.
The Daily Stevenage has seen the application, which appears to bear the signature of a Mr Barrington Weber: a name not known to have any connection to the football club. A footnote to the application states that, “Only with the deletion of Graham Westley will Stevenage Football Club’s present celebrity manager be free of the evil legacy associated with that name. We go again Saturday.”
The Daily Stevenage is aware that this statement is in response to groups of extremists that have adopted Westley as a cause celebre, ultimately as a means of forcing regime change at the football club.
Countdown
Ban Ki-moon finished the press conference by saying that, “the United Nations not only insists on the teachings of Graham Westley to be made widely available, but it will be establishing The Graham Westley Foundation; an interactive museum and memorial to all of Westley’s victims. This will be curated by Clarke Carlisle.” The finer details of this have yet to be disclosed by the UN, although it has confirmed that the centrepiece will probably be an enormous statue of a styrofoam cup of coffee.
Northern monkeys
After further questioning, Ki-moon confirmed that similar applications seeking to strike Westley from the records were made by Farnborough Town in 2003, Preston North End in 2013, and Stevenage Borough in 2006.
Star jumps
When asked to comment on today’s events, Graham Westley was unavailable and understood to be in the gym. Loyal Stevenage supporter, Pete Wheel-Barrow, 73, was available, however, commenting, “for fuck sake, give it a rest. Westley left months ago. Haven’t you cunts got anything better to write about?”, before giving our reporter a slap.
As The Daily Stevenage went to press, there were unsubstantiated reports that a motion to redact Peter Taylor’s name from Stevenage FC’s Wikipedia page had also been lodged.
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