Conniving Cobblers Con Club out of Clobber

  
Hertfordshire Police have today confirmed that they are investigating a large scale theft from The Lamex Stadium. The incident is believed to have occurred last Saturday (19th March) between the hours of 1.30pm and 5.30pm. 

A sophisticated criminal gang operating out of Northampton is alleged to have carried out a major heist at the football ground, more commonly known as the home to Stevenage FC. 

Paper clips

A police spokesman confirmed that the theft has all the hallmarks of a targeted raid, normally associated with the antiques or fine art markets. Pc Tony  Holepunch said “this was a made to order burglary of stadium infrastructure. We are investigating the theft of two bins, a hand gel dispenser and a large quantity of toilet roll.”

Bicycle clips

Northampton Town Football Club has refused to comment on suggestions that the stolen items have since been installed at the club’s unfinished new East Stand. However, police believe that the Stevenage robbery follows hot on the heels of other items that have been purloined on the Cobblers’s travels as a means of completing the stand in time for the 2032/33 season. 

“Only the other week, Cumbria police were investigating the pilfering of two seats from the away end at Carlisle” said Holepunch. “We believe that these have since been painted a funny shade of red and installed at Sixfields.”

Cheesy chips

Phyllis Clench, snack bar supervisor at the away end, chipped in with her own opinion, even though nobody had asked for it. “We sold 207 cups of tea on Saturday” said the sprightly 92 year old, “but we are missing 621 sachets of sugar. Either Northampton Town have stolen these to stock their own snack bar, or their fans have unusually sweet teeth.  Then again, that might be a reason for their over-excitement at the final whistle.”

Whopper

Last Saturday’s incident is a double whammy for Stevenage. Just last month, Exeter City – another club renowned for its creative finances – managed to get away from the Lamex with all three points: an incident described as “daylight robbery” by Holepunch.  

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