Working hand in hand with our sister rag The Daily Telegraph, The Daily Stevenage today brings you a world exclusive exposé of corruption at the very bottom of English football. Bypassing some of the toughest security measures ever seen at a Hertfordshire League 2 club, we have managed to install an undercover agent (employed in a high up role within Darren Sarll’s management team) within the hallowed halls of the Lamex Stadium to bring you the following revelations, which we plan to serialise over the coming weeks. Some of the following abuses go back many years:
- The appointment of Teddy Sheringham was a sham, bypassing FA regulations, with the FIFA video game legend being plied with pints of Liebfraumilch before signing a contract to deliver what he believed to be keynote speeches to Far Eastern audiences on the subject of online poker and the dating of models. It was only upon sobering up that the dark realisation hit him that he had to spend the next two years of his life in Stevenage; something he ultimately managed to get himself out of a short time later. The FA are understood to be investigating whether any offence was committed.
- All but one player (believed to be Tom Conlon) have failed to declare their half time cup of tea and free match day programme on their tax returns. Inspectors from the HMRC – a Government organisation tasked with snooping on, and ruining the lives of, ordinary people – are known to be on the case, with the fraud estimated to amount to close to £100.
- Illicit gambling is rife at the club. It is a well known fact that several high profile players are members of a lottery syndicate – a secretive cartel that places high stakes on the outcome of a game of chance – although they’ve never actually won anything. And Charlie Lee once bought a fifty fifty ticket at a match he was playing in. We’re not sure if any of this is illegal, but we’re certain that it’s immoral, indefensible, and illegal.
- The HMRC are known to be looking very closely at the way that Jack Jebb was able to sign a contract at Stevenage Football Club when he had already shown his potential during a prior loan spell. A HMRC official has told The Daily Stevenage in confidence that “there’s no explanation for it other than money must have changed hands, probably in a toilet cubicle in the Shell garage on the A405 at Bricket Wood. You know, the one next to the Starbucks, that years ago used to be a Little Chef.”
- The club has constantly flouted rules surrounding the third party ownership of players, with it being revealed that former player Patrick Agyemang is jointly owned by the Burger King corporation and former Stevenage manager Gary Smith. And former midfield scouser Greg Tansey is wholly owned by Peter Stringfellow. And vice versa.
- Even the half time entertainment at the ground is rotten to the core, with the tyre challenge being rigged in the club’s favour. “I see the same faces doing it every week,” said our inside source, “but they never win the bloody thing. The club gives them free entry and a cup of Bovril, just for missing the target on purpose. If both contestants won the £50,000 jackpot every week, it would cost the club and its sponsors £2.3 million a season. Where does that money go instead? It’s certainly not on the catering facilities. In the meantime, I’ve seen evidence of club officials driving top end cars. Such as Golfs and Mondeos.” It is thought that this corruption goes way back to when the half time challenge was to kick a football into a garden shed from the halfway line, which immediately aroused suspicions due to the impossibility of this happening, as well as allegations of insider trading with Wickes.
- The corruption also goes back to the days of Graham Westley, with the club regularly making payments to off-shore bank accounts in his name believed to be registered on the Isle of Wight. It is certainly no coincidence that Westley has chosen Newport as his new abode.
- The tax returns of many previous employees of the club are also under investigation, with a number of them listing their profession as ‘professional footballer’. Our source at the HMRC said “what a fucking joke.” Under particular suspicion are the tax returns of Lee Hills, Marcus Haber and Anthony Grant.
We have passed hours of secret recordings carried out by our mole to the FA for its consideration. But, when we tried to contact them, they were all down The Ivy having lunch, bought for them by Harry Redknapp’s dog.