Have you ever asked yourself, if Port Vale were a band who would they be? No, us neither. Until today that is. With just five days to go until the new League 2 season, here's part 1 of our ultimate guide to the opponents we'll be facing this year. Part 2 will be brought to you some time in November, with part 3 next summer.
Accrington Stanley – plucky northerners, playing to a small bunch of flag waving bed-wetting fanatics every week. The sort of act that's the perennial dog turd on Soccer AM with their winkle pickers and Indie Landfill aesthetic. The sort of act you'd like to see fuck right off and die as, if they did, the sun would shine for ever. They'd therefore be The Courteeners, but The Courteeners are inexplicably popular playing to more than 1500 people at a time. So it'll have to be the Pigeon Detectives instead. Which is about as shit a name as Accrington Stanley is.
Barnet – beyond parody. You remember when Spinal Tap's drummers kept dying in bizarre circumstances? That's Malcolm Allen every time he leaves the club.
Cambridge United – there's something about Cambridge. Something that's really fucking annoying and makes you think they could all do with a bath. It's like listening to Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis 24 hours a day. Just fuck off Cambridge, it's not big and it's not clever. And buy some soap while you're at it.
Carlisle United – we actually don't mind Carlisle. Mainly because they're not Barrow. We liken them to listening to a medley of Abba songs on the radio. Pleasant enough, in other words.
Cheltenham Town – a bit off the radar this bunch. We're not sure if we like them or not. It's a bit like knowing the name but not knowing the song. We literally have no recollection of hearing a Justin Bieber track, but we obviously know who he is. Is Justin Bieber Cheltenham? No, he's got a future. But you see where we're coming from. And yes, this is the most interesting thing anyone has ever committed to paper about Cheltenham. Or Bieber. Anyway, we're tired. We can't wait to get to Wycombe.
Chesterfield Town – the most interesting fact about Chesterfield is that it's the home town of Jo Guest. Ms Guest was once in the video for Blur's Country House, which is the moment that the first stake got driven into the fetid heart of Britpop. We don't like Blur.
Colchester United – we've just realised that Cheltenham are managed by Gary Johnson. Is it too late to say that they're Meat Loaf?
Coventry City – big back in the 80s but a series of internal niggles and high-profile court cases has them now doing the nostalgia tour, playing their hits Gold and True to a half-empty stadium alongside Toyah and Heaven 17. Except the talent of the Kemp brothers has deserted you and you realise you're now Tony Hadley.
Crawley Town – don't you just hate these New Town clubs with their lack of history and their non-league pedigree? Crawley would be Woking if they had half the personality. As it is, they're Keane, probably the blandest band to ever call themselves a band.
Crewe Alexandra – Gary Glitter.
Exeter City – know they're way around the HMRC corridors better than Gary Barlow. And we're not wholly taken in by them either, despite their regular appearances on the X Factor.
Forest Green – some of our best friends are vegetarian. But they don't bleat on about it or wear ethically sourced underpants made from bleach free cotton. Following Forest Green must be like going on tour with the fucking Levellers. Shut your mouths, have a wash, and let people enjoy their fucking food you bunch of hippies.