Your League 2 Guide part 2 – from Grimsby to Wycombe.


Welcome back to Part 2 of our guide to your League 2 season. We know that nobody read Part 1, and that it was neither interesting, amusing or informative, but we're going to persevere regardless. If you've forgotten the format, our music critic has gone to the pub, drunk his body weight in Bacardi, come back and evaluated each team in the division and considered which act in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame they most resemble. Yeah, it's a shit concept. We apologise.

So, here we go, from Grimsby to Wycombe.

Grimsby Town – it's all a bit meh with the fishy folk. We have no strong opinion either way. They're the football equivalent of wearing a beige suit on an overcast day whilst wistfully reminiscing about the good old days of cholera. Which I suppose must make them Fairport Convention (kids, ask your dad).

Lincoln City – our abiding memory of the Red Imps is getting gubbed 4-0 up there in the FA Cup. Other than that, we have nothing. They're Fairport Convention too, but they don't smell of fish. Which must make them Mumford and Sons, who smell of posh school and money.

Luton Town – picture the scene: it's a couple of years since you've beaten Arsenal in the League Cup final. Your album, Pills 'n' Thrills and Bellyaches, has just been voted record of the year in the NME. So you decide to go and record your follow up in Barbados with Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth out of Talking Heads. You become hopelessly addicted to crack cocaine. Jump forward 25 years and you've been docked 30 points, you're skint and you're desperately trying to climb out of the GM Vauxhall Conference. You finally make it, but even a new set of teeth can't hide the fact that Bummed was the best album you will ever make, and that was 29 years ago, and you're now obliged to play at shit holes like Accrington Stanley and the Hatfield Forum every year. Welcome to your rightful League 2 home, Shaun Willy Ryder.

Mansfield Town – Have you noticed how Axl Rose looks more and more like Steve Evans?

Morecambe Town – we quite like Morecambe. I suppose they're like a pre-fameR.E.M. until you watch a VH1 documentary and realise that Michael Stipe has his head so firmly lodged up his arse he should be managing Mansfield.

Newport County – much like their fellow townspeople the Goldie Lookin' Chain, they make us laugh do Newport. And we've been there. And their mothers all do have penises.

Notts County – you would think that being the oldest act out there would gain you respect and a legion of adoring fans. On the other hand, you might be a bunch of grizzled old fucks, with an audience of pompous wankers. Yep, you're Genesis.

Port Vale – are you as bored as us yet? Yeah, we know, we'll try to rattle through this lot as quickly as possible. Port Vale are Razorlight cos they make our eyes and ears bleed. Ok? Good.

Swindon Town – when they were going through their Di Canio flirtation you could have said that Swindon were on a par with Cheryl Cole on the lash in a nightclub cloakroom. But they're actually ok now. We wouldn't choose to buy any of their records or cross the street to see them play. But hey, they're fine by us. For the purposes of this exercise they can be Barry Manilow.

Wycombe Wanderers – cute and cuddly, family-friendly, fun and jolly. Until you peel away the veneer and realise it's those Scouting For Girls wankers. Die. Fucking die.

Yeovil Town – fuck sake, who snuck The Wurzels on to this list?

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