Your Guide to our Visitors – Exeter City

According to the internet, the three most famous Exeter City supporters are that annoying wanker out of Coldplay who was once married to vaginal steaming advocate Gwyneth Paltrow; that annoying patronising wanker with a tidy beard who hosted Deal or No Deal; and Eddie Hitler out of Bottom. We know which of the three we’d most like to go for a beer with. We also know which of the three we’d most like to steam the genitals of.

Do you remember the time when Michael Jackson was brought onto the pitch at Exeter after being made an honorary director? It’s rumoured he joined The Grecians’ board having learnt that there were no vacancies at Crewe Alexandra.

‘Grecians’ is probably the strangest nickname in the Football League as, other than Exeter City’s failure to manage its own finances, there’s very little similarity with the Greeks.

The most famous member of the current Exeter squad is Chris Wagon Weale, the only footballer named after a chocolate covered biscuit. Most people say he’s not as big as he was back in the 1970s.

Let’s be honest, we don’t know anything about Exeter and we don’t really care. But our OCD obliges us to finish this report so we’ve resorted to checking the Devon Live website (surely that’s a contradiction if ever we’ve heard one) to check out the 16 most interesting facts about the city. One of which is that the roads in Exeter are over 50% safer than the rest of the country. Presumably because tractors rarely go over 20mph. Another is that “Exeter has seen a decline in the volume of texts sent from mobile phones in 2013 as web based messaging services take over“. Wow. Apparently 75% of WhatsApp messages sent from the Exeter area consist of farmers sending each other photos of misshapen root vegetables. The other 25% are of farmers sending each other photos of their penises shaped like carrots.

Did you also know that “homes built in Exeter are now six times more energy efficient than when a home was built in 1900”. Bugger it. I’m off to live in Devon’s county town, even if I’m unsure whether Stevenage homes are also six times more energy efficient than they were 119 years ago.

That JK Rowling used to live in Exeter, before she wrote the Indiana Jones books. We’re not sure of the energy efficiency of her former house. Or whether she also used “on average, 160 litres of water every day” just like the average Exeter resident. We’re unsure how many litres of water it would take to steam your vagina, which is the sort of fact that Devon Live should have been coming out with.

The more we think about it, whoever’s behind the Devon Live website is a fucking idiot.

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