Limerick corner – in praise of Darren Sarll

There was a young fellow named Sarlly,

Who rides to work on his Harley,

He’d joyfully sing,

“We all love Jack King”,

To the song ‘Jamming’ by Bob Marley

Poetry corner – homage to Jack King

I remember it well,

The day that Bostwick left,

‘Twas a living hell,

I was alone and bereft.

But everyone’s replaceable, right?

And through the revolving door,

Came a succession of Bossie-lite

Midfield journeymen, all with a flaw.

Tansey, with more tattoos than ability, 

Jimmy Smith, he of the fist pump,

Anthony Grant, no less than a liability, 

And Jack Jebb, who gave me the right raving hump.

James Dunne with his pigeon chest,

And somehow our player of the year,

Which perhaps shows we weren’t the best, 

And that the end was getting near.

But wait, it’s transfer window deadline day,

And who’s that signing on the dotted line?

Sure to keep the blues at bay, 

It’s a lad from Scunnie with the vintage of fine wine. 

Jack King’s his name, 

Or, if you like, just Jack,

And I’d rather Jack, 

Than David Mac,

Or Tansey, Shroot, Grant or Risser,

Heslop, Walton, or Andrew Bond,

And I can’t think of anything that rhymes with Risser, 

Which makes me think we were always conned. 

But at last, at number 4,

It’s our midfield saviour, Jack King,

And there’s no longer need to be sore, 

Just cos Bostwick fucked off to the Posh.

Pam Ayres, 2016

Match report: Bishop’s Stortford v Stevenage

It’s the summer. When Terry Jacks sang Seasons in the Sun, he wasn’t singing about watching meaningless football matches played out in non-descript non-league football stadia in leafy middle-class England. He was singing about dipping your toes in a babbling brook and chewing on an ear of wheat, whilst gently caressing your true love’s golden locks. Sadly, the editorial team of The Daily Stevenage are past the age of slipping off their sandals and letting icy cold waters lap at their feet, not least because of ongoing issues with arthritic toes. And when their true loves have bolted for a day on the lash in the sun, there’s nothing else for it other than to go to a car show. Which is what we did. And it was bloody good too. We ate freshly baked pizza, sat under the bough of a mighty oak tree and saw a few Ferraris and Lamborghinis. And if we weren’t driving we’d have availed ourselves of the refreshments in the beer tent. 

At the same time, considerably more footballers than would ordinarily be allowed to play football on a Saturday featured for Stevenage in a win over non-league opposition in a non-descript stadium in a non-entity middle-class English town. Some of these footballers will never get to wear the red and white diagonals of Stevenage FC again. 

Match report – Stevenage v Yeovil Town

  
In a performance reminiscent of watching a documentary about the painting of The Forth Bridge, Stevenage FC out battled their fellow strugglers from Somerset and moved one point nearer to League 2 safety. 

Titbits

Three games undefeated. Two clean sheets in a row. These are halcyon days for the Boro. The East Terrace at times reminded us of an indie disco. One where the only track that gets played is by The Fratellis and you’re forced to listen to it play in a loop for 27 hours. 

Mayfair 

Fans, more used to seeing Stevenage lose than grind out goalless draws with mediocre opposition, were buoyed by the fact that Stevenage didn’t lose but ground out a goalless draw with mediocre opposition. 

Had Stevenage had a shot on target it would have maintained Boro’s one shot on target per game average that they have maintained this season. 

Men Only

The only real issue for Boro was an over-inflated ball that made controlling it incredibly difficult. And Dean Parrett’s over-inflated ego, which prevented him from working too hard. 

The highlight of the match was the final whistle, which was followed by a group huddle where, it is rumoured, Darren Sarll talked about the weather and what he was going to eat when he got home. 

Razzle

We caught up with Billy Prophelactic, a 39 year old postman from Stevenage enjoying his first match at The Lamex. “I came because the club said it would be better than watching Barcelona on telly” he said. “Watching teams pass the ball is overrated. I’ll be coming back for sure. And it gets me away from the wife and kids.”

Anger, Attrition and Apathy at Annual Awards Annulment

  

 Stevenage Football Club has today confirmed that it has cancelled its Player of the Season award for 2015/2016. Traditionally voted for by those season ticket holders considered to still have all of their faculties, the prize is regarded as one of the most prestigious in the sporting calendar, second only to the Supporters Association, Players, and Borochat votes. 

24 hour party people

The true reasons are yet to emerge, but one theory is that nobody at the club can remember the names of all 45 players that have donned the red and white of Boro this season. An internal argument has also raged over whether Teddy Sheringham should be included on the list on the basis that he almost played in a Herts Senior Cup match. 

Bummed

However, an unnamed source also pointed to the logistical problems of printing – and posting – such a large ballot paper to each and every season ticket holder. “This would have cost thousands in A3 paper, printer ink, envelopes and stamps” said the source. “The club is better off spending that money elsewhere. Such as on Jack Jebb’s wages.”

Initial concerns about potential corruption were raised last month when 27 season ticket requests came from one property in Accrington. A statement from the club read “Although we are delighted to expand our fan base to new and exciting markets, we will not allow former players to manipulate the Player of the Season vote through bulk season ticket applications. Especially when such applications are not backed up with hard cash. Whilst Mark Hughes was a vital yet ephemeral component of this season, he will only get a vote if he gives us £279.”

The Daily Stevenage also understands that Phil Wallace is concerned that there would be more people on the ballot paper than people eligible to vote. The chairman’s worry is that this would potentially result in a 15 person tie for Player of the Season, with each player receiving two votes. “There’s absolutely no way the club can afford 15 trophies,” said our source. “They’ve instead given the silverware to Thommo as kit man of the year. He tells us he’ll take it to the north east with him. Which is nice.”

Pills and thrills and bellyaches

Alan Airfix, a member of the Supporters Association, described the whole matter as “political correctness gone mad. This is worse than when the club conducted an online vote for a nickname for Graham Westley and the most popular choice was Cunty McCuntface.”

Call the cops

At the time The Daily Stevenage went to press, Thommo was believed to be travelling north up the A1.

Conniving Cobblers Con Club out of Clobber

  
Hertfordshire Police have today confirmed that they are investigating a large scale theft from The Lamex Stadium. The incident is believed to have occurred last Saturday (19th March) between the hours of 1.30pm and 5.30pm. 

A sophisticated criminal gang operating out of Northampton is alleged to have carried out a major heist at the football ground, more commonly known as the home to Stevenage FC. 

Paper clips

A police spokesman confirmed that the theft has all the hallmarks of a targeted raid, normally associated with the antiques or fine art markets. Pc Tony  Holepunch said “this was a made to order burglary of stadium infrastructure. We are investigating the theft of two bins, a hand gel dispenser and a large quantity of toilet roll.”

Bicycle clips

Northampton Town Football Club has refused to comment on suggestions that the stolen items have since been installed at the club’s unfinished new East Stand. However, police believe that the Stevenage robbery follows hot on the heels of other items that have been purloined on the Cobblers’s travels as a means of completing the stand in time for the 2032/33 season. 

“Only the other week, Cumbria police were investigating the pilfering of two seats from the away end at Carlisle” said Holepunch. “We believe that these have since been painted a funny shade of red and installed at Sixfields.”

Cheesy chips

Phyllis Clench, snack bar supervisor at the away end, chipped in with her own opinion, even though nobody had asked for it. “We sold 207 cups of tea on Saturday” said the sprightly 92 year old, “but we are missing 621 sachets of sugar. Either Northampton Town have stolen these to stock their own snack bar, or their fans have unusually sweet teeth.  Then again, that might be a reason for their over-excitement at the final whistle.”

Whopper

Last Saturday’s incident is a double whammy for Stevenage. Just last month, Exeter City – another club renowned for its creative finances – managed to get away from the Lamex with all three points: an incident described as “daylight robbery” by Holepunch.  

Dear Deidre – The Daily Stevenage Advice Hour

  
Dear Deidre,

Back in the day I was known as a bit of a player. I had a succession of relationships over a number of years and had a reputation as being technically gifted, if you get my drift. 

Having grown tired of that lifestyle, I threw myself into life’s other pleasures not long after I hit my 40th birthday. However, aware of my ticking biological clock and its movement towards my half century, I decided to settle down. 

To cut a very long story short, I plunged headlong into a new relationship last summer. This time I was looking for commitment and a mutual love and respect. I was no longer looking for the quick knee-trembler behind the Co-op I was known for in my youth. 

Now, you wouldn’t exactly call my new partner ugly, but she wasn’t exactly attractive. I’d had better. I suppose you could call her a bit of a chav, but then again I did once have it off with Katie Price. Nevertheless, she had potential and I was happy with my lot. 

Imagine my surprise when she started to accuse me of being inexperienced and lacking in personality. In my defence, it’s tricky to be exciting and imaginative when she insists on taking you to such God forsaken places as Yeovil and Mansfield for a damp and dirty weekend. I would even take my mate Kevin along for moral support and encouragement. She thought Kevin was weird. 

Then, last week, she ditched me. I reminded her that I’d had much better in the past and that she should be flattered I decided to screw her, but I’m afraid there’s no going back. Especially when she accused me of not being able to last for a full 90 minutes. What did she expect? The last thing I’m taking is little blue tablets. 

She accepted that I was very unlucky. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been if I had a bit more money to show her a real good time, but I feel that the real issue was that she hadn’t got over her previous partner who wouldn’t stop going back to her. 

I want to start another relationship as soon as possible but, Deidre, how do I get over this set-back? I also think I might have caught a dose. 

Edward, 49, London. 

Deidre says:

Edward, darling, may I suggest that you begin by setting your sights even lower. Once you’re back on the horse, so to speak, your confidence will flourish. Aim for straight-forward missionary to start with but don’t be scared to experiment with more advanced positions. You’ll soon find that you’ll have mutual satisfaction. Oh, and ditch Kevin. He does sound weird. Nobody likes a three way. Actually, they might do, but it usually always involved two women. 

And I’m sure the rash will clear up given time. 

Deidre.