In a decision that has stunned the football world, Stevenage Borough Council has today refused to hand over the week’s takings from the car park behind Marks and Spencers (RIP) in order to fund the new North Stand at the Lamex Stadium.
A council spokesperson, who we haven’t made up, told The Daily Stevenage that the decision wasn’t made lightly, with the monies instead being diverted to putting up a mural of Ashley Young’s brother at the railway station.
“Despite our previous commitments” said our source in a thick northern accent whilst stoking a pipe, “we have come to the realisation that football has become a middle class recreation. The last time that one of our councillors went to the Lamex – I think there was an election in the offing – she realised that it had become inhabited by hipsters wearing trilbies and Kicker boots. There wasn’t a flat cap to be seen. We cannot endorse the spending of money on any group of people other than the proletariat. You get me, comrade?”
It is understood that the council will only release the appropriate funding on the following terms:
- The renaming of The Lamex to the Fidel Castro Memorial Stadium.
- The playing of Between The Wars by Billy Bragg after every goal.
- A life sized gold statue of Tony Blair on the centre circle.
- All burgers from the snack bar to be made of lentils and quinoa and to come on granary Hovis.
- A ban on trilbies.
At the time of going to press, we had no time to make up a quote from the football club.