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Limp Luton Can’t Keep It Up

Exclusive by our sexual health correspondent, Toby Flange.

Boffins have today revealed the results of a far reaching study of the sexual health of Luton Town supporters. In news that will surely devastate the small hat making community of Bedfordshire, large numbers of the male population are prone to a rare illness known as ‘premature ejaculation’.

Professor Ivor Biggun from the Tommy Robinson College of Higher Education confirmed the extent of the studies. “In our experience,” said Biggun, “male supporters of Luton Town go through 85 minutes of bland non-penetrative foreplay before suddenly blowing their load without warning, not realising that their partner is unfulfilled and some way from achieving their own climax.”

“Upon orgasm,” continued Biggun, “Hatters fans will celebrate like they’ve just nobbed one of Girls Aloud, stripping off their shirt and doing a celebratory jig around the bedroom. In reality, they’ve just come in their pants whilst looking at a photo of Jacob Rees-Mogg.”

On the plus side, the birth rate in Luton is reported to be at an all time low.

A Week in the Life of Glenn Roeder

Saturday finds me travelling to Accrington Stanley; an important fixture in our domestic calendar as we edge closer to our target of 50 points for the season. We arrive nice and early and whilst the manager – I’m fairly certain his name is Darren – gives the team talk, I go for a stroll around the Haworth Art Gallery, which hosts the largest public collection of Tiffany glass in Europe. Slightly engorged, I return to the Wham Stadium (no sign of George Michael. Lol) to watch the match. Darren often asks me to watch the game from high up in the main stand but I usually get a little bit bored having nobody to talk to so at some point in the match I will go down and have a chat with the 4th official. Favourite topics of conversation? Usually Gardeners’ World, Call the Midwife and Brexit. We win a thrilling game 3-2, until somebody tells me we were playing in blue this week.

Sunday is spent looking through the papers and watching Cool Runnings. I also look through holiday brochures. I understand that Madeira is supposed to be nice at this time of year.

Monday I travel up to Stevenage for the first training session of the week. Whilst Darren and Nicky (?) put the lads through their paces I put on a tracksuit and go for a nature walk around the Bragbury End estate. It’s lovely to see the snowdrops starting to come through. I’m also almost 100% sure that I saw a red kite. Or it might have been a crow.

Tuesday is pretty much the same as Monday (but one day closer to next Saturday. Lol). I’ve been at Stevenage for longer than I can remember and now know most players’ names off by heart. I have a great relationship with Darren and the rest of the management team and they love to hear me talking about my time as assistant manager at West Ham, where I had the responsibility for filing Harry Redknapp’s tax returns.

Wednesday Because I used to play as a defender, Darren asks me to do some defensive work with our centre backs. I get Franky Fraser, Will Lukerson, Dean Wells and QVC in a room and tell them all about the time I played in the 1982 FA Cup Final. I finish the session by telling them how I nearly accompanied Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne to Lazio but couldn’t go as my passport had expired. Franky said that he half-expected Gazza to turn up at Accrington last Saturday with his fishing rod and a bucket of chicken, but I didn’t understand the nuances.

Thursday morning is spent writing this article before heading to the club shop to get some more Stevenage leisure wear.

Friday It’s tricky to know what Friday holds in store as I’m writing this on Thursday. Lol. I expect it will consist of preparing for the visit of Luton Town on Saturday afternoon: such as working out where to safely park my car away from where it might get damaged. I might even give Luton legend David Pleat a call to reminisce about the old days and to see if he fancies a trip out to see the Whooper Swans on the Ouse Washes on Sunday.

Glenn Roeder was talking to Barry Chestnuts.

This article was first published in the February edition of Saga Magazine.

Sarll’s Super Speech Saves Stanley Slipping

The Daily Stevenage’s undercover reporter, Doug Threwbin, has this evening leaked the details of the team talk which led to Stevenage’s embarrassing capitulation at Accrington’s Refresher Bar Stadium.

“Well done, lads, this is propa gd stuff. Dont do to well tho, eh? If we win by to many goals then they’ll expect it every week so just lay off a bit. Well done Matty.

“You new ladz are doing alright but you’ve gotta start doing what I’ve told you. That first half was much to much like what you were doing in your old teams and I won’t have that here. You play to my system, alright? Shape up or ship out. Cos I’m a right geezer.

“Those brilliant fans haven’t come all the way up to this hovel to see you doing what you want. We’re a team and you’ll do what I say and play how I tell you.

“Now get out there and crack on. This one’s in the bag”.

The much-lauded young manager, on the back of a run of 1 straight away victories, is reported to have attempted to replicate Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday only to realise after 7 hours that Dale Gorman had put Groundhog Day on.

Hardcore Showing Ensures Boro Win on Aggregate

The artist with her latest sculpture, ‘Tom Pett Drinks Break, 2017’

World exclusive, by our art correspondent, Brian Spewall.

It’s a fine art managing a football club nowadays and The Daily Stevenage brings you news that your favourite club has taken it to a whole new level.

The keen eyed amongst the thousands of fans flocking to the Lamex on Tuesday night would have seen the art installation created by local artist Tray C Urmen where the old North Stand once proudly stood.

Tray C told us “as a long time Boro fan who attends all home games with Sharon Taylor, I was approached by the local Council to paint a Muriel to cover the building works for the new North Stand. They wanted something that represented the players like the thing they did at Billericay, which Sharon really liked. Realising that baby lambs being slayed by 6ft giants wouldn’t be appropriate, I suggested to the councillors that I construct an art installation instead”.

The installation features some hardcore, rubble and a JCB. Tray C goes on to explain “the manager is doing such a good job of taking the club’s football back to 1974 that I thought I would bring in the JCB as they did then”. Asked if there are plans to dig a trench into the pitch “well we don’t really use the pitch anymore – so yes its possible” exclaimed the street artist.

The key representation is the part of the old stand that remains showing how things used to be and then the rubble showing how things now are.

It is rumoured that the cost of the artwork was £600,000.

When interviewed a club spokesman was asked if it was all a bit rubbish: “who says it’s rubbish? Other clubs installing art installations have 4 times our budget and we only have the 7 dwarves from the youth team to build ours. They all have 6ft builders with lots of experience so what do you expect?”

The art installation is expected to stay in place for the next 3 seasons until the new North Stand opens ahead of the club’s first southern league campaign.

Stevenage v Swindon Player Ratings

Tom King

The talented young Englishman, on loan from high flying Millwall, showed with his distribution that he comes from a Millwall team that’s high flying. Put so many goal kicks onto Danny Newton’s head that Newton went off with concussion. Tried to do the same to Tom Conlon with lesser effect. 8.5/10

Ronnie Henry

Can’t really remember much by way of a contribution from our talented young captain. 9.5/10

Terence van Cooten

Looked a little out of his depth at left back. A bit like Robert Maxwell on a yachting holiday. But still young and talented so 9/10

Jack King

Genius of Sarll to play midfielder King at centre back when all our other centre backs are playing in midfield or coming on as centre forwards with 10 minutes to go. Gave away the corner that led to the goal so it’s 9.5/10

Ben Wilmot

Talented, highly rated and talented young Englishman. Didn’t do a lot but Tottenham are surely going to offer £50 million for him tomorrow. 10/10

Fraser Franks

Genius of Sarll to play FF in midfield and then at right back, especially after his recent cameo as a centre forward. Just needs missionary and reverse cowgirl to have had a go at as many positions as the hairy bloke in The Joy Of Sex. 7.5/10

Mark McKee

Looked a little bit lost tonight, but he’s young, talented and Northern Irish. As Darren Sarll said to me while I was massaging his ego, one for the club to sell in the future. 8.5/10

Jonathan Smith

Goes missing more often than Liam Neeson’s daughter in the Taken movies. Doesn’t possess any of his old man’s particular set of skills, unless these include being unable to pass the ball and being unable to tackle. 9/10

Ben Kennedy

Talented young Northern Irishman. Darren Sarll told me it was genius of Darren to keep swapping him from the right wing to the left wing so that the East and West stands had the same amount of time trying to figure out what Ben was trying to do with the ball. 9.5/10

Matt Godden

Frustrated by a pedantic linesman who kept flagging him offside. At one point the official refused to play the advantage, flagging Matt offside on the eastbound carriageway of Broadhall Way. 10/10

Danny Newton

Went off with scorched retinas due to staring too long at the floodlights in the expectation of the ball bouncing off one of them from our passes out of defence. 8/10

Subs

Tom Conlon

Genius of Sarll to retain the 4-3-3 formation after the loss of Danny Newton by putting a central midfielder up front. Conlon disappointed the highly rated manager, however, by trying to pass the ball to feet. 5/10

Amos Brearley

The talented youngster, on loan from Emmerdale, has a bright future at Stevenage, especially if he learns to stop passing it and learns to pump it aimlessly up field the Darren Sarll way. 7.5/10

Jamie Gray

I’d literally gone to sleep by this point. 9/10

The Manager

Darren Sarll

As Darren told me while I was massaging his buttocks, nobody has had a tougher upbringing on a tougher housing estate in a tougher town than him. Except, perhaps, Jeremy Irons. Played a 4-3-3 from the start but showed his intelligence by changing it to a 4-3-3 when required through injury, finishing with a 4-3-3 as the Boro closed out the game with a creditable 1-0 defeat to a team that only 25 short years ago was plying its trade in the Premier League. Nobody is more passionate about talking about themselves than Darren. Somebody buy this man a beer before he sobers up. The Nidge’s very own Nigel Tufnell, he deserves 11/10

The fans

Seemingly unable to grasp the footballing revolution being administered by Darren Sarll, I am not happy with the criticism coming from the stands. But I’m a major suck up, so 10/10

In tomorrow’s edition, I talk more about Arsenal.

Plan It Stevenage!

World exclusive by our roving reporter, Reg Grundies

In a shock twist at the club’s training ground this morning the press conference was held by ‘Head of Catering and Tuck Shop for the Midfielders’, Phylis Swallet. Ms Swallet announced that Glenys Raider, Tea Shop Managerial Advisor, had left the club and been replaced by Hip Hop Artist Plan B.

Plan B will assume responsibilities of picking up the broken tea cups from the changing room floor; assisting the new centre back with his home work;  providing Tom Pett with a drink at the end of the game; and writing a new away anthem for the team, which we can exclusively reveal will be entitled Ground Hog Day.

A 90 minute video will accompany the track, rumoured to be a rock classic showing a series of matches where exactly the same thing happens in every single one of them. Brian May will have a 2 minute guitar break 24 minutes in sitting in the middle of the pitch pretending his banjo string is broken. Anita Dobson is said to be unavailable.

It is believed the move will quell the noise from players and fans that the manager only has a Plan A.

Proceeds from the new single will go towards funds for the new North Stand, due to be built in 2027.