Notts County supporters. They’re a salty bunch ain’t they? Well let’s see how salty they are when they’re playing away at Chorley on a Tuesday night. Wankers.
Which brings us to Carlisle United. Yeah, I know what you’re expecting. But no. For the first time this season we’re not going to troll our away supporters. We’re going to extol the virtues of a good old-fashioned, unpretentious football club from a decent unfashionable town that has no airs or graces or need to be something that they’re not. A town whose most famous product was the Ipswich Town and England footballer, Kevin Beattie; a player who possessed such natural footballing ability whilst simultaneously managing to be the most hapless accident-prone player of his generation who, on one occasion, poured petrol on a garden bonfire and managed to take half his face off in the resultant inferno and, on another, missed pre-season as a result of putting too much effort into defecating and subsequently strained his stomach muscles. For football should be innocent and timeless, full of characters and escapades and apocryphal tales. It should be about Nobby Stiles dancing on the Wembley turf with the World Cup in his hand. It should be about Paul Gascoigne donning some novelty breasts whilst on England duty.
But Gazza’s fake tits opened Pandora’s box and is the cause of every football-related atrocity post-1990. All-seater stadia. Exorbitant ticket prices. Kick off times dictated by television executives. David Baddiel pretending to like football and writing a (admittedly good) song about Nobby Stiles dancing on the Wembley pitch. The Europa League. The Checkatrade Trophy. Trevor Kettle. Piers Morgan pretending to like football. Soccer AM. Jamie fucking Rednapp and his one fucking skinny black suit. The Premier League. And Tony Blair pretending to like football.
Nigel Farage may be a total cunt but at least he doesn’t pretend to like football. He may be a Gillingham season ticket holder for all we know (and that would be quite fitting) but he doesn’t go on about it if he is one. So kudos Nigel. Just stop pretending that you like to drink beer, you snivelling weasel.
Carlisle remind us of a time before all this nonsense. If there’s any team that visits Broadhall Way and deserves to take away all three points this season, it’s them. This is irrespective of the fact that we’d much rather see Carlisle in the playoffs than those Exeter wankers.
We’ll finish with a quote from a famous ex-player of Carlisle, who later became their manager:
“If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing.”
Bill Shankly didn’t elaborate on what Notts County would be in 24th place in League 2. Other than a bunch of salty pricks.
Incidentally, Shanks once tried to sign a teenage Kevin Beattie for Liverpool, but nobody from the club picked him up from Liverpool Lime Street and he caught the train back to Carlisle. Hapless indeed. But a great loss to the game nevertheless. RIP Kev.